Natural Blog

Well, this is it

2010-02-08T00:46:00.004-05:00

Based on the number of text messages I got last night, the people who read (past tense) this blog expect and demand a picture of Peyton Manning being sad today.

So here you go:

And that's it. The NaturalBlog has been limping along for more than a year now, and this will be its final post.

But fear not. You can still get your daily dose of me, Dave Shaw, by following me on Twitter. It's a new experiment -- can I be funny in 140 characters or less? Find out. Click the link.

You can also pick up some thermal blankets

2010-01-13T05:58:00.000-05:00

My father-in-law wrote a book, a compilation of a lifetime (well, a lifetime depending on how long you've been alive) of newspaper columns about being a husband and father. You should buy it.

And if you do buy it via that link to Amazon, be sure to take advantage of the "related items" shopping list.

Amazon suggests you pick up a couple of essentials after buying his book, such as 50 feet of rope. Or maybe a first aid kit.

Please say this isn't a prelude to blackface

2010-01-12T06:09:00.000-05:00

Oh, Rod Blagojevich, how can we miss you if you won't go away?

In an interview with Esquire, Blago says he's "blacker than Barack Obama."

Pray tell why, good sir.

"I shined shoes. I grew up in a five-room apartment. My father had a little laundromat in a black community not far from where we lived. I saw it all growing up."

For good measure, he also threw in a "What the [fudgesicle]? Everything he's saying's on the teleprompter."

Speaking later on TV, but presumably not on a teleprompter, Blago said that when it came to blackness, he was "speaking metaphorically" but it was "a very stupid thing to say."

Sad Brady

2010-01-11T06:02:00.000-05:00

Sad Brady made a rare appearance yesterday when the Patriots were just mauled by the Ravens, 33-14 at home. Brady had four turnovers.

I think I may have a theory on why he was off this year -- he's apparently been moonlighting as a quality control officer for All-Clad. Take a look at this card enclosed when our new saucier arrived.

"Are you my mother?"

2010-01-07T06:00:00.000-05:00

Can anyone tell me what on earth is going on in this advertisement?

I saw it on one of the new sites I see a couple times a day yesterday, but I know I've seen that creepy fellow in ads before for different products.

Is he supposed to be a mom? Is he supposed to motivate me to click? Is it a threat? Maybe an html error of some kind?

I mean, really, he looks so molesterish. I just don't understand what's going on here.

On popups, rollovers, takeovers

2010-01-06T06:07:00.000-05:00

I take it as a sign the of troubled times in the newspaper business: ads on papers' web sites are becoming unavoidable. Not in number, but in style. Take a look at Bernie from the Bernie & Phyl's furniture chain, on boston.com recently.

It could be worse -- they could be charging me.

Today we shed a tear for the butterstick

2010-01-05T05:08:00.000-05:00

Back in 2005, the long-ago days of yore when this blog was actually funny, I got some good mileage out of a panda born at the National Zoo in Washington. His name was Tai Shan, but I called him "butterstick," a monikor referring to his size at birth, popularized by Wonkette.

He was adorable, but that didn't stop me from giving the 'stick some tough love:

"Here's some free advice," I wrote to the little booger. "Learn a skill and quick, because you can only trade on being cute for so long before you end up sad and broken on reality TV."

Well, it's time for the U.S. to pay the piper on the Butterstick -- he's being shipped home to China, per our agreement that lets the U.S. showcase pandas, but makes their spawn Communist property. It's a sad day for butter lovers, but a sadder day for natural selection, which would have caused these monsters to die out years ago.

Whither Welker?

2010-01-04T06:34:00.000-05:00

Wes Welker cried on the New England Patriots bench yesterday, not because they were losing yet another road game, but because of an injury to his left knee. It's said to be an MCL and ACL tear (same as Tom Brady last year).

Bad news for the Pats playoff hopes. I've always had a soft spot for Wes, not because of this, but because of his 2007 fantasy football season and of course the fact that we're pretty much the same height.

Smell ya later

2009-12-31T05:31:00.000-05:00

Now that free agent outfielder Jason Bay has signed with the Mets, I can say that I saw both his first game with the Red Sox, as well as his last. Sure, he was only around a year-and-a-half, but that's still bragable.

I have to say that his first appearance was certainly better -- he scored both runs in a 2-1, 12-inning win over the Athletics. His final game, was the unfortunate meltdown in ALDS game three against the Angels back in October.

Regardless of how it ended, I will miss his home run swing.

Out of order indeed

2009-12-30T05:11:00.000-05:00

When I saw this bathroom in Suwanee, Ga., I couldn't help but think of the Leelee Sobieski vehicle Joy Ride. Can't say why, though.

On language

2009-12-29T06:00:00.000-05:00

Earlier this year, the principal of Danvers (MA) High School banned students from saying "Meep," the phrase uttered by the Muppets' Beaker, for fear it would lead to a schoolwide disruption.

Students were warned they could be suspended if they said or displayed the word.

It's really a shame -- "Meep" is far better than many alternatives for saying nothing when you need to say something, as detailed in the Boston Globe Ideas section.

... and we're back!

2009-12-28T05:20:00.000-05:00

Some of you may have thought this blog was dead. Well I'm here to tell you that reports of our demise were greatly exaggerated. And just why were we exhumed from the dead? There is one answer, in the form of two words.

Sad Peyton.

Behold it:

Hooray for pulling the starters with homefield advantage locked up! Hooray for Sad Peyton! And go Pats!

Spotted!

2009-12-03T09:12:00.002-05:00

Almost exactly a year ago, I compared dormant construction equipment -- backhoes, frontloaders, the like -- to sleeping dinosaurs. It was my great pleasure this week to spot a living dinosaur walking on the road:

Who's that knocking at my door?

2009-12-02T05:57:00.000-05:00

There was a time in the distant past when logging on to my email was a welcome adventure. I didn't know what would be waiting, and the surprise was almost always worth it. This was late 1996, when email was still sort of new and when a day with 10 messages was a busy day.

Now e-mail is something of a chore, a lasso tying me to my obligations, a reminder I check by rote.

But I've been getting that same feeling of excitement I got back in '96 again, this time from this little guy:

When someone friends me on facebook, I have no idea who it might be. What part of my past will they remind me of? I like that feeling, but I can't help but see the writing on the wall -- facebook too shall pass.

Sole Survivor

2009-12-01T05:52:00.000-05:00

For the second time in the blog's history, here's a picture of a wild turkey roaming the (mean) streets of Boston.

I can't believe this guy survived Thanksgiving. Now I guess he feels like he can strut about like the cock of the walk.

Is it a sign of the season?

2009-11-25T06:48:00.002-05:00

I snapped this picture earlier this week in Brookline, Mass. I was taken by its starkness -- the juxtaposition of the signs, the bleak fall sky, the tree that's already given up for the year.

D-bags jump the shark

2009-11-24T06:24:00.000-05:00

The New York Times ran a front-page story over the weekend about the latest "it" word -- douchebag. The Times asked the anti-free speech group Parents Television Council to count how many times you hear it in primetime. The answer: 76 times this year.

Missing from the story was any mention of what a douchebag is literally or figuratively, making the article a little dry for my taste

Suffice it to say, this little piece of journalism will certainly spell the end of the popularity of douche. Might I suggest a related replacement: Colostomy bag, c-bag for short.

Klassic Klempson

2009-11-23T05:27:00.000-05:00

Though this typo is more the fault of the tattooist than the tattooee, I still do enjoy making fun of Clemson.

Long Overdue Props: 325i

2009-11-20T06:39:00.000-05:00

These props are so long overdue, they're old enough to drink. Behold! The 1988 BMW 325i convertible in red.

I caution you -- Don't look directly at it. It's too beautiful. Look to the side. Appreciate it from the corner of your eye.

I'm not sure why this car titillates me so. Maybe its the unrepenting angles of the frame in such contrast to the signature round headlamps. Perhaps it's that beautiful color. Maybe it's just the BMW mystique. Whatever the reason, enjoy these props no matter how long overdue they are, 1988 BMW 325i.

P.S. I understand that one of my occasional readers owns this model of BMW. What a great holiday gift for your old pal N-B.

P.P.S. There are 17 other entries in the Long Overdue Props series. You should read some of them.

Deepak Chopra tones it down

2009-11-19T06:13:00.000-05:00

I caught mind-body medicine guru Deepak Chopra on CNN's American Morning the other day doing whatever it is that Deepak Chopra does when he's on TV.

I was going to write a little item imploring him to tone down his personal sytle, until I realized that he already has.

That's him in 2007 on the left, with a gaudier version of Kellie Martin's glasses from Life Goes On. The right-hand pic is from this year. Still gaudy, but quite understated in comparison.

Apologies to Johnny Damon

2009-11-18T06:07:00.000-05:00

Back in December 2005, when this blog was in its infancy and still quite funny, I made a bold prediction about Johnny Damon's four-year contract with the Yankees. Here's what I had to say at the time:

[H]e's a hobbled 32-year-old, unable to make a strong throw from center to the cut-off man.... [T]his signing will hurt for about 18 months, when Johnny will live up to his $13 million average annual take in New York. But after that, he'll just be another unmovable overpaid declining New York Yankee.

So now four years have passed, and I owe the man an apology. The Boston Globe ran the figures and found that there was no decline in skill in the last four years.

He had 299 RBIs in four years with the Sox, 296 with the Yanks. A .362 OBP with the Sox, .363 with the Yanks. Stole 98 bases for the Sox, 93 with the Yanks. He was caught stealing 21 times for both teams. Hit into 22 double plays for both teams.

Sorry, Johnny. But you still throw like a girl.

Comcast can suck it

2009-11-17T06:19:00.000-05:00

The Boston Globe was out last week with its list of the 100 best employers in the region, and it gave first place to Comcast for its generous compensation and friendly managers.

"The underlying principle is simple: Happy employees make happy customers," the paper happily intones.

Let me be the first to call bullshit. Every Comcast worker I've had the misfortune of dealing with was as surly as they were uninterested in helping me. I'm a patient guy, but even I lost it with a customer service rep on the phone.

If Comcast is the No. 1 employer in the region, I can only imagine how bad the bottom tier must be.

Sad Naturalblog

2009-11-16T06:03:00.004-05:00

I was prepared to post a Sad Peyton (or Sad Tom) picture this morning, after the much-hyped matchup of the two great QBs last night in Indianapolis. But I'm calling an audible and going with a Sad Bill.

I don't think I'll ever understand why he would go for it on fourth and two from his own 28. Enjoy your undefeated season, Colts.

Calendar math

2009-11-13T07:10:00.006-05:00

Have you noticed there are a ton of birthdays this time of year? Facebook lists them for me, and it's averaged two or three a day, all week.

I wondered why, and Mrs. N-B offered the most logical answer: Mid-November birthday minus nine months equals Valentine's Day baby.

I'm a conservationist, really

2009-11-12T06:17:00.003-05:00

You may be familiar with the laws of conservation of matter and energy, which say the total amount of matter and energy in a closed system is constant.

I'd like to offer my own twist on the concept: The Law of Conservation of Crazy. In short, my new theorem states that the amount of craziness in a closed system (say, your life) at any given moment is always the same.

Replace a crazy landlady, get a crazy boss. Ditch the crazy boss, unearth a crazy neighbor. It happens without fail. I'd sum it up this way:

This woman can't hold her booze

2009-11-11T07:24:00.002-05:00

If you watch cable news, then you've probably already seen this video of a woman cheating death -- drunkenly falling six-plus feet onto the tracks of a subway train in Boston. If you haven't seen it, click away:

She's identified as 26-year-old Sophia Hartdegen of Cambridge.

She said she had four 22-ounce beers before her fall around 10:30 p.m. last Friday. Not bad, I guess. Her LinkedIn page says her job is as a Neuroprotective Research Coordinator. I'm not sure what that means, but perhaps she studies the effect of alcohol on brain cells.

Wait a minute -- that's Lois?

2009-11-10T06:29:00.004-05:00

I caught part of Fox's Sunday night special "Seth & Alex's Almost Live Comedy Show" the other night. I'll leave whether or not it was funny to the pros. Instead I'll focus my comments on something far more superficial -- how the people behind the voices of my favorite Family Guy characters actually look.

First, Alex Borstein. She is pretty much nothing like I expected Lois to look. Where's the red hair? The sensible outfit? The perfectly triangular nose?

And Seth MacFarlane. His face is so plastic and his makeup so thick, he looks like he belongs at Madame Tussaud's wax museum, not the wholesome confines of Quahog, R.I. Sidebar: I think his default voice is closest to Tom Tucker.
His costar

My house is divided against itself

2009-11-09T05:47:00.004-05:00

I faced Mrs. N-B in the Ahmedinejad Flyers fantasy football league this week, and our battle for first (we were both 7-1 coming into the game) will come down to Monday Night Football.

Her squad, the Bradydaddys, is nursing a 6.62 point lead with no players left to go. My team, Bollinger's Bombers, needs a TD from Hines Ward to seal the win. If he doesn't get it on the first drive, it looks like I'll be staying up past my bedtime tonight.

This is as good a place as any to say that this matchup comes on the week of our third anniversary and the week of this blog's fourth birthday.

That's right -- in 2005 I conceived a blog out of wedlock.

Can't fail business plan

2009-11-05T06:47:00.001-05:00

I think they should make barber's aprons in white instead of black. That when you looked down after a haircut, you'd say, "Look who much dark hair I have" instead of lamenting the grey.

Good seats still remain

2009-11-04T05:43:00.000-05:00

What are you up to on Friday? Nothing? Then you should head out to Springfield, Mass., for what's being billed as a "much-anticipated boxing event."

In one corner, you've got Jose Canseco, ready to "silence one of his critics -— the hard way," according to the promotional e-mail Mrs. N-B received. He'll box Todd Poulton of Pittsfield, Mass.

And if that isn't enough, you've got Rodney King stepping into the squared circle to fight Marty Feldman, who's touted as a "Pennsylvania boxing legend." I guess King has given up on just trying to get along.

If these guys pass for the big draw, imagine the quality of celebrity on the undercard.

Separated at Birth

2009-11-03T05:40:00.000-05:00

NaturalBlog returns to its roots today, with a very special Separated at Birth. New readers should check out this feature's spacious archives.

Here are Bill Nye the Science Guy and Matthew Lesko the question mark guy. Bill Nye is beloved by children and nerds alike for teaching science. Matthew Lesko is an author who will teach you how to get free government money. This pairing came to me when I was dressed as Lesko for Halloween and somebody said, "Who are you? Bill Nye?"

By popular request, here is Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers and BJ Novak, the fictional Ryan Howard of NBC's The Office. The similarities here are pretty clear. Both are/were bearded. Both are/were understudies. Neither has taken his team to the playoffs.

Here's my first-ever pairing of web sites. Here's the newly redesigned wbur.org and the old grey lady of the web, nytimes.com. Somehow, the NYT's corporate attorneys have yet to contact WBUR about its "homage." The resolution at right is a little small, so check out those links.

Facebook continues to evolve, but do I?

2009-11-02T06:30:00.005-05:00

Facebook has undergone its biannual renovation, and my review is mixed. My already overwhelming feed of friends' updates now contains a note every time they make a new friend, join a group, or brush their teeth.

The thing I like the most is the revamped suggestion box on the right.

I can't remember the last time someone encouraged me to poke a tree. Thanks, facebook.

What's the message here?

2009-10-30T06:34:00.000-04:00

We've got a race for U.S. Senate race going on in Massachusetts recently, featuring a field of four big-name Dems and four medium-name Repubs.

One of the down-ticket Dems is a dude named Alan Khazei, who runs the volunteer group City Year. Another is the co-owner of the Boston Celtics Steven Pagliuca.

So check out this ad I caught on the bus the other day:

Is Khazei sending a political message through his nonprofit? Probably not, but I'd like to think so.

Col. Sanders returns from dead, seeks UN audience

2009-10-29T06:00:00.001-04:00

True story -- the actor who plays the Kentucky Fried Chicken "mascot" Col. Sanders punk'd the UN, getting past security and posing for the photo at right with the new president of the UN General Assembly Ali Treki.

A spokeswoman says Treki shook the Colonel's hand out of courtesy, and adds that the handshake left a delicious sheen of grease on his Treki's palm.

The real Col. Sanders died in 1980. It's unclear why someone who'd managed to come back from the dead would go to the United Nations.

What's old is new again

2009-10-28T08:31:00.002-04:00

I'm pleased it's an all East Coast World Series, not because the Yankees are in it, but just because it means the games will get underway before 10 p.m. Of course, they won't end until 1 a.m., but beggars can't be choosers.

The opening game is tonight, but my eyes are closely trained on game two, when Pedro Martinez will face the Yankees. The last time Pedro pitched against New York in the post-season, it was game seven of the 2004 ALCS and he came in for a side-session/mop-up duty in the 7th. He gave up two runs and ignited the Yankee crowd (fortunately it was too late for a comeback).

What will this time hold? I have no idea, and that's why I can't wait to watch.

A dream denied

2009-10-27T05:36:00.004-04:00

Somewhere, the 1972 Dolphins (2007 Patriots?) are rejoicing, for my dream of a perfect fantasy football season has come crashing down.

The Bollinger's Bombers fell to 6-1 on the season this week, though I retain first place over Mrs. N-B, also 6-1.

My loss this week rests squarely on the shoulders of the Washington Redskins, who committed approximately 77 turnovers and gave up a pick-six to the Philadelphia defense, enough to push my hated rival The DTs past me on Monday Night Football. Oh well. Perfection will have to wait until next season.

His real name is John Ondrasik

2009-10-26T06:30:00.002-04:00

Because I work near Boston's legendary Paradise Rock Club, I get to see its marquee each day. Lately, it's been a parade of bands that make you say "They're still around?"

Today, it's Five for Fighting. What happened to the Paradise's glory days -- U2, The Police, INXS?

A sign of -- er -- I don't know what

2009-10-08T09:07:00.002-04:00

This maze is not from Quahog, Rhode Island, but Danvers, Mass. I guess the guys at Connors Farm are Family Guy fans.

My favorite time of year

2009-10-07T08:19:00.004-04:00

I was excited to catch the end of the Twins-Tigers tilt last night on TBS, not because of its extra inning thrills, but because of Craig Sager. I just love that guy, and here's why. Just look at him.

Now I know how Tom Brady felt

2009-10-06T05:49:00.004-04:00

I've started off my fantasy football season hot, hot hot. I'm 4-0, atop the league standings with nearly 450 total points scored. (Mrs. N-B is also undefeated.)

But I'm starting to feel the pressure -- can Bollinger's Bombers go undefeated? The fake sports media is already frothing about it. I just have to stay focused, take it one game at a time, and hope I can make it through my bye weeks.

Funny 'cause it's true

2009-10-05T06:13:00.001-04:00

I love occupying the space between narcissism and stalking.

This qualifies as news

2009-10-02T08:08:00.003-04:00

Here's a check on your Friday morning headlines.

King of Pop's BMI a healthy 20.1. Michael Jackson's autopsy is out and the headline is that he's in good health. I don't know if I believe it, because that assessment comes from the same people who say 136 pounds on his 5'9" frame is just fine. The autopsy also noted he was balding.

Splendid Splinter splintered. The greatest hitter who ever lived, Ted Williams, is said to not be resting in peace. You may remember that Williams' head is cryogenically frozen in Arizona. A new book says someone took batting practice with it, sending "tiny pieces of frozen head" flying. Williams is the last player to 1) hit above .400 for a season and 2) have his head cryogenically frozen.

What the.... ?. The Wisconsin Tourism Federation has changed its name because its initials were WTF. It is now the Tourism Federation of Wisconsin. What do you expect from a place that has a "Recombobulation area in an airport.

Deja vu, you are a tantalyzing mistress

2009-10-01T07:00:00.000-04:00

I had deja vu a couple times the other day. It was over some real mundane stuff -- a document I was explaining to someone at work, an e-mail I was reading, etc.

It's a simultaneously frustrating and wonderful moment, when your subconscious momentarily clears its throat. I feel like I teeter on the edge of a great precipice of understanding, only to have the promise of something great disappear as soon as I begin to realize it's there.

It's the mental equivalent of finger-cuffs: The harder you try to get there, the more difficult it becomes.

Is it just me, or have I made that joke before

He also predicts a 4-0 start for my fantasy football team

2009-09-30T06:46:00.000-04:00

I guess this is what it takes to make Mariners baseball interesting.

Mariners broadcaster Mike Blowers was asked who he thought the player of the game would be in a game against the Blue Jays a few days back. He picked Matt Tuiasosopo, predicting he'd hit his first career homer in his second at bat, on a fastball, on a 3-1 count.

Turns out, Tuiasosopo hit a homer, in his second at bat, on a fastball, on a 3-1 count. Click over here to listen to the prediction and hilarious game call.

Berlusconi the burlesque

2009-09-29T06:10:00.003-04:00

Italian Prime Minister Silvio Berlusconi is at it again.

Less than a year after he created a hubbub by calling President Barack Obama tan, he went back to the well this weekend. Back from the G20 summit in Pittsburgh, Berlusconi told Italians at a rally Sunday night:

I have to bring you some greetings, greetings from a man, what is his name, what is his name -- just a minute it was someone with a tan -- Barack Obama.

He also brought the First Lady into the gag, saying the Obamas "went together to the beach to get a tan because even his wife is suntanned."

So one of two things must be going on. Either Berlusconi is a racist who doesn't learn from his mistakes, or he's an idiot who doesn't realize Obama is black.

I kind of hope it's the latter, since calling someone "tan" is perhaps the greatest compliment Berlusconi can pay someone.

In any event, Berlusconi now has his own NaturalBlog tag, which is bragable.

I have become what I beheld

2009-09-28T05:28:00.003-04:00

I have an important confession to make, and it involves a staple of the NaturalBlog: Sad Peyton, my occasional chronicling of the struggles of Colts quarterback Peyton Manning.

The trouble this season is that I'm rooting for Peyton. My change of heart is not altruistic, but completely selfish -- he's the quaterback of my fantasy football team, Bollinger's Bombers of the Ahmedinejad Flyers league.

What's a hater to do? I guess I'm hoping that he's involved in a lot of 42-38 losses this year. In the meantime, I'm well on my way to 3-0. Thanks, happy Peyton.

He looks like he's wearing makeup

2009-09-24T06:02:00.000-04:00

Libyan strongman Moammar Gadhafi got his star turn before the United Nations yesterday. Proving once again how tough an act Barack Obama is to follow, Gadhafi rambled from hand-scribbled notes for better than 90 minutes.

At least he looked good doing it. Where do you think he got that outfit? The Garment District? A coworker suggested the hat is the kind that comes with fake hair hanging out of it.

Effectiveness breached

2009-09-23T06:12:00.000-04:00

I'm by no means Magellan here, but I need to say that my facebook circle has become unmanageable. Here's what I'm talking about:

Forty-six updates during an afternoon nap. That's just too many.

It makes me think of a concept I read about a few years ago called the "Dunbar number." It's the maximum size a group can be before it becomes ineffective. It's generally said to be about 150, which means I'd have to pare my friends by about half.

For whatever it's worth, I only have one facebook friend actually named Dunbar.

Detractors call it "Klempson"

2009-09-22T07:07:00.004-04:00

I want to share this video for two important reasons. First, it makes fun of Clemson, one of my least favorite colleges in the history of colleges. Second, it answers the question of what sportscasters talk about in commercial breaks.

The video begins with off-air banter making fun of a Clemson fan distraught by a loss. Halfway through is what actually aired. Watch is soon, before ESPN lawyers force it off YouTube.

How many miles does a runner make?

2009-09-21T06:12:00.004-04:00

Those are insoles, which I use to correct my flat feet. The top one is from 1992, when I was 14, around the time I tore my Achilles Tendon. The bottom one is new this year, and rather space-age in comparison.

I mention this because I ran a race Friday and Saturday (12 people, 207 miles) and am debating whether I'd call myself a runner yet. I guess by the strictest definition, I am, but it seems to me that being a runner is more a mindset than a measure of miles.

Real or fake?

2009-09-17T06:13:00.000-04:00

The LA Times reports that the woman pictured above, Arianne Prevost of Florida, shot and killed that 11-foot alligator she's posing with.

She used a cross-bow.

God bless Florida's public alligator hunts.

Unified theory of Dim Sum consumption

2009-09-16T05:43:00.000-04:00

A long-time reader I once referred to as "Mr. X" put together this handy graphical representation of eating dim sum, which is like Chinese breakfast tapas.

As you can see, the target for consumption is $10 per person, though that's tough to aim for since no one knows what anything costs. The standard deviation is $1. If you eat $14 worth as I did some time ago, you are four standard deviations away, meaning you must skip four meals for your body to feel normal again.

FYI, five standard deviations may cause death.

America's Dirty Dancer dead at 57

2009-09-15T06:00:00.003-04:00

I hope I'm not the one breaking the news to you (especially because I'm already joking about it), but actor Patrick Swayze is now a ghost. His death at 57 in Los Angeles came about a year after his diagnosis of pancreatic cancer.

Many will remember him as Dirty Dancing's Johnny Castle, "a sexy-yet-sensitive dance instructor from the wrong side of the tracks," as the LA Times puts it.

But me? I'll always remember him as this half-man, half-horse tattoo figure, on a field of rainbows.

Scenes from a dream

2009-09-14T06:05:00.001-04:00

I left North Carolina 17 years ago this fall and haven't been back, so I used Google's "street view" to find Memory Lane.

I saw the old house and was reminded immediately of a dream. It was vague, hazy, half-formed, lurking just beyond my consciousness like a delicious moment of deja vu.

The tantalyzing memory jogged from slumber by this picture almost makes up for my many misgivings about how powerful Google has become. Almost.

Live or Memorex?

2009-09-11T05:00:00.000-04:00

Thanks to my sister for pointing this one out.

One of these magazine covers is real. The other is fake. Try and figure out which is which.

Just how liberal is liberal

2009-09-10T06:06:00.000-04:00

I'm sure you know I'm a member of the liberal media (though not the liberal media "elite," I'm proud to point out), but you may wonder just how liberal I am. Well here's your answer.

I'm so liberal that I favor mandatory government-funded abortion. I also favor mandatory gay marriage for all Americans. The good news is that with everyone required to have a gay marriage, that should cut down on the number of mandatory abortions.

And so ends this political foray.

FOUND: Rod Blagojevich

2009-09-09T06:11:00.001-04:00

This may or may not be disgraced former Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich, Superstar.

Well, to be honest, it really doesn't look much like him, except for the hat.

I snapped the picture at lunch this week in the Back Bay. That's Mrs. N-B's ear there on the right.

This post is really a vehicle to admit that occasions when I supply my own photo are no longer rare, so I am changing the tag to reflect that.

How I spent my summer vacation

2009-09-08T05:35:00.000-04:00

A lot of people use the summertime to accomplish a project, maybe something around the house or reading a huge tome. I spent my summer on something far more important: Growing out my sideburns.

I think I've done pretty well. Take a look at this photo I snapped this morning.

Just kidding. I'd never grow a mustache.

Joking aside, the 'burns have generally met with positive reviews, so they get to stay for the fall.

Autumn blues

2009-09-07T05:19:00.003-04:00

Now that I've fully enjoyed New England's five weeks of summer, I can start to look forward to the spoils of fall. And with each fall comes a wild card for the Red Sox, fantasy football, and my favorite brew of the year Sam Adams Octoberfest.

It's been available for about two weeks in Boston (and I even spotted it in late August in Reno, Nev., of all places). I've been able to enjoy it a couple times now -- twice out and once yesterday at a Labor Day weekend barbecue.

Oddly, Sam October might be the only beer I find superior in a bottle, as opposed to draught. Draft Octoberfest has an oily feel and an overpowering nose, but in the bottle it's just right.

He'd do anything for a vote

2009-09-04T05:02:00.000-04:00

So what if the lines on this weekend's games approach the triple digits. I'm just happy to have Saturday football back tomorrow. To get in the spirit, let's celebrate like the newly senior U.S. Senator from Massachusetts John Kerry.

Has it come to this already?

2009-09-03T06:04:00.002-04:00

You may have heard that U.S. Senator Edward Kennedy of Massachusetts died last week. But you may not have heard that former Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling is interested in replacing him.

Though it probably won't go anywhere, Schilling wrote on his blog (copycat!) that he has "some interest" in the seat. I guess it's not that surprising, considering his campaign work for both George W. Bush in 2004 and John McCain last year.

But I can't help but wonder what's next? Is Ben Affleck going to run?

Down with stinky people

2009-09-02T07:44:00.000-04:00

Sweaters, beware.

Gordon Y.K. Pang of the Honolulu Advertiser reports a proposal before city councilors would ban stinky people from buses, in the hopes of eradicating the plague of the malodorous before Honolulu builds its new rail line.

The measure would prohibit bringing "onto transit property odors that unreasonably disturb others or interfere with their use of the transit system, whether such odors arise from one's person, clothes, articles, accompanying animal or any other source."

So far so good. What else?

"Some people, quite frankly, do not take a bath every day and therefore they may be offensive in terms of their odor," said a co-sponsor.

I'm on board. What's the catch?

Well, the bill would also prohibit being intoxicated on the bus. Isn't that kind of the point of public transportation?

May this dream not come true

2009-09-01T08:56:00.002-04:00

I dreamt the other night that Rue McClanahan, formerly the slutty Blanche Devereaux on the hit series The Golden Girls, had died. It would almost be too great a cross to bear, after losing a Petrillo and a Zbornak so recently. Betty White, who played Rose Nylund, is of course an automaton that will never die, so we're in the clear with her.

I took the plunge

2009-08-31T08:18:00.002-04:00

I'm sure you're anxious to hear about my week in America's lawless west. Just how lawless is it? Well, here's photographic evidence, from a gas station bathroom in Hallelujah Junction, Calif.

Summer Break (II)

2009-08-21T06:00:00.000-04:00

We're on the eve of my second summer sojourn. If you think I should return in September, drop me an ecard.

Caviar dreams, lobster nightmares

2009-08-20T05:33:00.000-04:00

And now for a Naturalblog Public Service Announcement.

If you're going to try and kill a lobster in your kitchen before throwing him on the grill, don't just follow the instructions on some random web site. If you find a web site that says slicing the giant sea cockroach between the eyes will kill it right away, don't believe it.

The more you know.

Give a cheer for the orange and blue

2009-08-19T05:08:00.005-04:00

You know it's time for college football when GQ weighs in on the subject.

The men's magazine devotes some time this month to a pair of Gators -- current Florida QB Tim Tebow and former Florida "Dazzler" Erin Andrews.

Naturally, the Erin Andrews "article" is really a vehicle for pictures of her in a football uniform. They were taken some four months ago, long before she illicitly videotaped in a hotel room.

The Tebow piece is plenty fawning, too, but mainly in words. "He smells strongly of deodorant, and his thick-lashed eyes are impressively serene..." Despite lines like that one, it does a nice job parsing his on- and off-the-field religions. Give it a read, but only if you're ready to learn that Tebow is "all thick polygons and smooth flat planes and inescapable corn-fed handsomeness."

J. Crew, inspired by Kubrick

2009-08-18T05:25:00.005-04:00

Is anybody else creeped out by the latest J. Crew ad? I spotted it on The New York Times web site (after a full-screen takeover ad from BMW).

It used to be that J. Crew ads only invoked thoughts of springtime brunches, WASP family reunions, and the miracle of modern American dentistry.

But one look at this new one, and I couldn't help but think of The Shining.

A disappointing check on the Vice Index

2009-08-17T05:46:00.000-04:00

Even long-time NaturalBlog devotees probably don't remember all the way back to February 2007 when I conceived of the "Vice Index," a mutual fund of stocks tailored to people's bad habits. There's the beer-maker Molson-Coors, the winemaker Constellation, Starbucks for your caffeine, MGM for the gambling, Camel cigarette-maker Reynolds, and finally the maker of Trojan condoms (and First Response pregnancy tests), Church & Dwight.

Well, I'm sorry to report the intervening 28 months have not been kind for vice. The value of Vice Index shares is down around 41 percent (compared to a 31 percent loss in the S&P 500 Index in the same period). All of my vice stocks tanked in the recession brought on by recent liberal governing, except for the company that makes condoms.

I guess that tells you all you need to know about how people are weathering the downturn.

Eagles!

2009-08-14T09:02:00.003-04:00

The New England Patriots topped the Philadelphia Eagles in preseason football last night, but the real story was elsewhere.

The Eagles signed Michael Vick, fresh off a jail sentence for dog fighting. to be their backup QB. Oft-embattled starter Donovan F. McNabb responded by joining PETA.

All she did was fall in love

2009-08-13T05:27:00.000-04:00

You may remember the May-December romance of Red Sox owner John Henry and his 19-year-old bride, Linda Pizzuti.

Here's a great photo that was in the papers last week. Apparently he's taught her how to read.

Summer Break (I)

2009-08-05T05:37:00.003-04:00

The blog is taking another break. I know you'll be able to make it without me. Back in a week. In the meantime, check out the archives from back when NaturalBlog was still motivated. Or this site.

Mmmm, cheese

2009-08-04T07:55:00.002-04:00

I'm no grammar vandal, but I'd enjoy this bathroom wall sign, even without the typo.

Shark Week!

2009-08-03T04:45:00.000-04:00

In honor of Shark Week, I'll post something I wrote for a humor magazine last year.

Sharks protest Discovery's "Shark Week"

Dozens of sharks gathered outside the Silver Springs, Md., corporate offices of the Discovery Channel Sunday to protest the network's annual "Shark Week" programming.

Carrying signs that read "Sharks for Truth" and "It's safe to go in the water," the vicious fish demanded equal time on the popular cable network to present pro-shark programming or that Discovery spend a week devling into the dark side of dolphins.

"Not since the violent hatred of Jaws, Jaws 2, Jaws 3-D, and Jaws: The Revenge has there been such an unfair media portrayal of sharks," said one of the protestors, who identified himself only as Bitey. "[Discovery Channel President John] Ford will soon rival Peter Benchley for the pain he has wrought on our community."

"And now that Discovery is simulcast in spectacular HD, we're made to look even more vicious," Bitey said.

The 21st annual Shark Week on Discovery began Sunday August 2nd with a two-hour Mythbusters Shark Week special, in which hosts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman will investigate myths including whether chili powder repels sharks.

"Here's a myth you can bust, pal. How about the myth that all sharks are maneaters," shouted Chompers, a four-foot angel shark who was eating a mollusk. "Oh no, you'd never bust that myth because you're too busy perpetuating hateful stereotypes."

"I might eat crustaceans from the sea floor, but the real bottom feeders are these Discovery executives," Chompers said.

A Discovery spokesman said network executives will only meet with the sharks under the protection of a 1,300-cubic foot steel cage, a demand the sharks described as "petulant" and "insulting."

Discovery will broadcast 36 hours of shark-related programming during Shark Week, much of it devoted to the stories of people who survived shark attacks and tips on how to avoid shark attacks.

"Here's a tip," said a 6-foot 2-inch land shark who lives in nearby Chevy Chase, Md. "Quit swimming in my ocean. That's a sure way to keep from getting eaten."

"Candygram," he added.

Oh noze!

2009-07-31T05:00:00.000-04:00

Big Papi, no!

Some New York rag, no doubt still smarting from the hurt the Red Sox put on the Yankees in the 2004 ALCS, says David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez are on the 2003 list of players who took performance enhancing drugs.

Most important, I think, is the byline on the story, which broke yesterday:

No doubt that former Phillie Mike Schmidt is angry that dopers are closing in on his hard-earned records from baseball's clean era.

Boozehound!

2009-07-30T09:03:00.002-04:00

President Obama and some friends are going to have beers tonight at the White House. The friends are actually enemies -- Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates and the Cambridge police officer who arrested him at his house, Jim Crowley.

The idea here is a well-worn one: that alcohol solves all our problems.

The exact beer list is a closely guarded secret, though there's talk of Bud Light, Blue Moon, and maybe Amstel.

If the president invited me to his house for a beer, I'd go with a Sam Adams Utopia. Sam Adams because it's distinctly American. Utopia because it's freaking expensive.

Dead or Alive: Mona

2009-07-29T08:03:00.000-04:00

I write an entry in the NaturalBlog's "Where are they now" series like clockwork, every six months. Today's Dead or Alive contestant: Mona from Who's the Boss.

The actresses name is Katherine Helmond and she's still alive. Or at least she was when I hit publish.

She celebrated her 81st birthday this month, though she has lost some of the luster of her lusty character. She's faded a bit from public view after her recurring role on Everybody Loves Raymond (14 episodes between 1996-2004). Most recently, she was the voice of the Model T in the Disney hit "Cars."

This makes me think of a new potential series on the NaturalBlog -- Which is older? Mona or the Model T. It's the Model T by a hair.

Stalker hall of fame

2009-07-28T05:13:00.000-04:00

I've put together this certainly incomplete list of the best stalker songs of all time. A "Stalker Hall of Fame," if you will.

Naturally, we must first give a nod to Sting and the Police for 1983's "Every Breath You Take." Hidden behind the upbeat chord progression is, in Sting's own words, a "very, very sinister and ugly" song.

But Sting isn't the only one to encapsulate a threatening message in pop music. How about Hall & Oates' "Private Eyes," where the smooth music duo promise, "You can't escape my private eyes/They're watching you."

And who can forget Blondie, who promises in 1978's "One Way or Another:" "I will drive past your house and if the lights are all down, I'll see who's around.... I'll follow your bus downtown. See who's hangin' out."

My favorite is the sweet-sounding "Hey There, Delilah," by the Plain White T's. With lyrics like "I'm a thousand miles away/But girl, tonight you look so pretty," you'd think it was a beautiful love song to a long-distance girlfriend. That is, until you realize that this song was written by Tom Higgenson after he met a girl named Delilah who told him she already had a boyfriend.

It's one thing write a stalker song, it's another to write it about a specific person and use her real name.

Off!

2009-07-22T05:00:00.000-04:00

The blog is on vacation until Tuesday. In the meantime, enjoy Georges Seurat's "Sunday Afternoon On The Island Of La Grande Jatte," which is an obscure reference to where I'm going.

Space Station toilet needs a mercy flush

2009-07-21T05:36:00.003-04:00

Since the dawn of time, man has dreamt of possessing the heavens. And now our domination of space is complete.

On the 40th anniversary of the moon landing, members of the International Space Station high above Earth were dealing with a clogged toilet. Could anything better demonstrate that humans now feel at home in space? And wouldn't you hate to be the guy who clogged the space toilet?

There's a lot of talk about space this week, thanks to that moon landing anniversary. This is the logical place for me to say that I think the moon landing was a hoax (How could they lose the tape!?!?!), but apparently it really happened, according to this interesting and exhaustively researched web site.

Mouse in the house

2009-07-20T05:43:00.002-04:00

Over the course of the weekend, I saw three different people wearing Mickey Mouse shirts. Average age 35. Average weight 210. What gives here? Are these making a comeback, or was everybody scrounging the depths of their closet this weekend?

If you wore a Mickey shirt this weekend, or if you own one, you should make a defense of yourself in the comments.

The mish-mash of my mind

2009-07-17T05:37:00.003-04:00

Hers's a few thoughts that came to me while doing whatever it is that I do.

A Harvard economics professor moonlights as a strongman -- y'know, one of those fellas who pulls 18-wheelers with his teeth. The Boston Globe has a story and some video. Worth watching. Funny thing is, this guy's name is Lauren. A dude named Lauren, which explains why he took up weightlifting.

I was folding some laundry this week when what to my wandering ears did appear but a pitch for Mighty Putty Steel. Was the late pitchman Billy Mays speaking to me from beyond the mortal coil? No. Turns out companies are still running ads with him. In fact, they say their sales are up since his death.

And finally, if you're looking for something to do this weekend, beat Sunday's deadline for submitting awesome ideas to the Awesome Foundation, in the hopes of winning a $1,000 grant. "The only criteria being that the person thinks it’s awesome, we think it’s awesome, and it’s an awesome thing to do," organizer Tim Hwang told the Boston Herald.

Palin Update

2009-07-16T08:20:00.003-04:00

It appears America's voters weren't the only ones scarred by Sarah Palin's run for vice president -- Palin herself has a scar to show.

She tells Runner's World that before her televised debate, she went for a run on John McCain's ranch, took a tumble, and bloodied up her hands. She declined stitches, and says you could see a Band-Aid on her hand when she took on Joe Biden.

The Q-and-A isn't that bad, actually, and will probably earn her some votes when she runs for the Republican nomination in 2012. Take a read, if you have some time.

Jessica available (again)

2009-07-15T07:44:00.003-04:00

The Internets are abuzz that actress Jessica Simpson and Cowboys quaterback Tony Romo have broken up. This is good news because it makes Romo less distracted and therefore more valuable in fantasy football.

It also reminds me of this posting from the early days of the NaturalBlog, back before I was totally mailing it in. Enjoy a walk down memory lane with me.

Jessica, please stop calling
(Nov. 24, 2005)

Well, here we go again. Phone calls at all hours of the night. Love letters left on my doorstep, their I's dotted with little hearts. Oblique references to our relationship in songs that sniff the Top 40.

Jessica Simpson is available again. And she's after me.

We've been down this road before. Jennifer, Lindsay, Angelina -- they've all sought sweet solace in my arms. But Jessica, she's in a class by herself. Tenacious with a capital T.

Don't get me wrong. She's great, really, but I just can't keep up with her. All she wants to do is play chess, visit art museums, read policy papers. That girl has needs, and they're all the intellectual kind. Not that I condone it, but no wonder Nick turned to strippers.

Rifleman prefers OJ

2009-07-14T07:39:00.003-04:00

Here's a picture of former Boston mobster Stephen "The Rifleman" Flemmi testifying in federal court in Boston.

Check out what he's drinking -- that looks like OJ from Au Bon Pain. From a straw!

I really would've thought he was more of a Dunkin' Donuts guy. I guess his tastes got more refined in prison.

Half of what you see, none of what you hear

2009-07-13T06:00:00.002-04:00

The Boston Herald does a poll on its web site each week on a political question. Last week, the paper wanted to know "Would you vote for Sarah Palin if she runs for president in 2012?"

In perhaps the best indication of why self-selected polling is a bad idea, the results in the most liberal state in the nation were a shocking 43% yes, 57% no.

Well, ask a stupid question, get a stupid answer.

This post is the first time I've written about the 2012 election. There are about 40 months until we go to the polls.

Your move, ladies

2009-07-10T07:52:00.002-04:00

British scientists dealt a major blow in the gender wars this week, reporting that they had created human sperm in a lab. Upon hearing the news my first thought was, "Well, I'm irrelevant." My second thought was, "But can lab sperm make you laugh?"

This news comes the same week that a Massachusetts medical device company got initial approval from the FDA on a permanent contraceptive for women. The name of the company is HoLogic, which I find titillating.

A sign of the season

2009-07-09T05:46:00.000-04:00

As most of my readers know, it has rained pretty much non-stop for six weeks in Boston. This has put umbrellas at a premium, so I've started to breed them.

If all goes well, I'll have a new litter of baby umbrellas in about 10 weeks.

Is there anything this guy can't do?

2009-07-08T06:29:00.007-04:00

Master of all entertainment Justin Timberlake wants to write a book about golf. The New York Observer says JT would recount "of stories of rounds he has played and people he has played with."

Apparently the guy's handicap is just six, which is equal parts bragable and maddening. He's already got so much going for him, why does he have to be good at golf, too?

Say what you will about his supermegastardom in music. I say his true medium is Saturday Night Live.

I gladly accepted

2009-07-07T05:17:00.000-04:00

A week ago, I said I was disappointed in the results of this year's World's Ugliest Dog contest, because the dog who "won" is actually kind of cute. I can reiterate my claim now that we're friends on facebook and I've perused his profile pics.

There's a simple explanation as to how I came to connect with this dog on a social networking website, but I think it's funnier if I don't get into it.

And to think I thought women's tennis was dead

2009-07-06T06:05:00.002-04:00

I am in love with the shirt Serena Williams won after winning Wimbledon this weekend.

That is all.

Two for the road

2009-07-03T07:55:00.000-04:00

1. A Tufts University scientist studying mating and reproduction found that females in a study group were very picky. According to a New York Times write-up, the females would "start dialogues with up to 10 males in a single evening and can keep several conversations going at once. But a female mates with only one male, typically the one she has responded to the most." The researcher was studying fireflies.

2. The Prime Minister of Italy and NaturalBlog fav Silvio Berlusconi is defending himself against charges that he paid prostitutes to attend his parties. The 72-year-old Berlusconi said the suggestion is laughable because he's never paid for sex. "I never understood where the satisfaction is when you're missing the pleasure of conquest," he said.

WTF is up with women's tennis?

2009-07-02T05:05:00.001-04:00

I'm a fan of the big tennis tournaments, especially the French Open and Wimbledon because they play their matches before my bedtime.

But there's something troubling going on in women's tennis these days, and I'm not talking about grunt-gate. Let's start at the top. First, we learn that women get matches on Wimbledon's Centre Court based on looks not seeds; or, as The Daily Mail puts it, "Babe, set and match."

So womanliness is a plus, except when it's not -- as was the case when former world No. 1 Jelena Jankovic lost to an unknown American teenager. Jankovic said afterward that her game was off because of "woman problems," as she put it. "It’s not easy being a woman, you know sometimes," she told the Reuters news agency.

Womanliness is also a minus if you're 17-year-old Simona Halep of Romania, who will have her 34DD breasts reduced this fall to improve her game. ""It's the weight that troubles me," she said. "My ability to react quickly." The good news is, if tennis doesn't work out, she's the perfect spokesmodel for the Kush.

Where's the outrage?

2009-07-01T02:57:00.000-04:00

This is what passes for ugly these days? Are you kidding me?

Behold Pabst, a boxer-mix shelter dog and the 2009 winner of the World's Ugliest Dog Contest, held each year at the Sonoma-Marin Fair in Petaluma, Calif.

Pabst belongs to Miles Egstad, 25, of Citrus Heights, Calif., who said after the win "I don’t think he’s that ugly," begging the question of why he entered him in a contest called the World's Ugliest Dog Contest.

My feelings on this "contest" are clear -- once Sam the Chinese Crested died in 2005, there was no point in continuing the event's once proud pageantry. I mean, just look into Sam's vacant stare, at right. Just a glance would scare Pabst into an overbite.

I wanted to be with you alone...

2009-06-30T05:58:00.000-04:00

Take a gander at this pic, taken in New York City last week and uploaded to a geeky web site.

These are called mammatus clouds, and weather-types say they sometimes form after a thunderstorm. That's the nerdy science explanation. I suspect this is another meteorological sign that end times are near.

Michael Jackson, 1958-2009

2009-06-26T06:14:00.003-04:00

I will add my voice to the multimedia zeitgeist that awkwardly memorializes singer/pedophile Michael Jackson. What can I say that hasn't been said?

He was Bad. He liked Pretty Young Things. He was a Smooth Criminal. I guess that about covers it.

These are tears of laughter, Governor

2009-06-25T06:22:00.002-04:00

South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford did his best to make this blog the fool, after my post yesterday touting the oft-reported story he disappeared for a five-day hike to clear his head. Turns out he was in Argentina, tending to an extramarital affair.

He apologized yesterday to South Carolinians of faith, as well as regular-old heathen South Carolinians, too. "I spent the last five days of my life crying in Argentina," he said, obviously forgetting the wise words of Eva Peron.

And now, on to the highlight of e-mails he exchanged with his mystery lady, as detailed by the Columbia newspaper, The State.

I'll present it without comment, letting the governor's prose speak for itself.

I could digress and say that you have the ability to give magnificently gentle kisses, or that I love your tan lines or that I love the curves of your hips, the erotic beauty of you holding yourself (or two magnificent parts of yourself) in the faded glow of night’s light — but hey, that would be going into the sexual details.

I could use a couple days off, too

2009-06-24T07:24:00.003-04:00

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford is due back in his office today, about a week after disappearing.

Following the bruising legislative session, Sanford (seen measuring something at right) apparently drove his SUV to a trailhead and went for a hike on the Appalachain Trail. He didn't tell his staff where he was, nor his wife, and he wasn't home for Father's Day.

It remains unclear who was running the state in Sanford's absence, but as a former South Carolina resident, I can say that no government might be better than the one that exists there.

UPDATE: Sanford was apparently in Argentina, not hiking the AT. What is he, moonlighting as a Nazi hunter?

And ladies, please lower it

2009-06-23T07:06:00.003-04:00

I spotted this a while back in the non-gender specific bathroom at a bar in Cambridge. I don't know why, but I find it very entertaining.

Bonus points if you can name the bar.

LaRussa, of course, is an Esquire

2009-06-22T06:47:00.004-04:00

The Wall Street Journal's sports department crunched some numbers last week to answer the age old question: Which baseball team is the brightest?

Using a formula that gave points based on the number of players who attended college and the number who graduated, the Journal determined the A's are the smartest team, followed by a three-way tie among the Rays, D-Backs, and Red Sox.

Here's the full list.

The Journal also found that just 26 major league managers or players had graduated from college. That finding aside, I think the most surprising thing here is that the Wall Street Journal has a sports writer.