Thursday, November 10, 2005

An Open Letter to Red Sox Principal Owner John W. Henry

Dear Mr. Henry,

It's been a rough couple of weeks, I know. First your mea culpa in front of a horde of media jackals for letting Theo go -- how did it go, "Maybe I'm not cut out to be the principal owner of the Boston Red Sox." Then news your investment business is apparently more of an albatross than the final three years of the team's deal with Manny, who, by the way, wants a trade. Again.

That's why I write. I have a solution to your woes, or at least your baseball ones. I am offering to become the next general manager of the Boston Red Sox for the low, low, one-time bargain basement price of $100,000. I am willing to take a one-year deal with a mutual option for a second year, valued at $150,000. Yes that's a major percentage increase, but it's still about $5,000 less than you paid Schilling per inning last year. (It's true. I looked it up.)

I'm sure you've been inundated with similar offers, so I want to tell you about the one-of-a-kind set of skills I bring to the job.

  • Shared goals. In five seasons of fantasy baseball managing, I've finished second more than half the time. I noticed the Sox finish second to the Yankees every season, so I deduce that I share the organization's core values.
  • Experience in blockbuster deals. I traded Carlos Beltran straight up for A-Rod in my fantasy baseball league this year. That worked out.
  • Productivity. Speaking of fantasy baseball, if I run an actual major league team, I probably won't play fantasy baseball next year, meaning an extra 10-15 hours of productivity each week.
  • Media savvy. I have worked as both a journalist and a spokesman, so I know how to handle the media. Plus I live in Brighton, so I'm sure I'd get a free pass from the Boston press because I'm a local guy.
  • Baseball know-how. I once had an RBI in little league at the Y. Just one RBI in the whole season, to be totally honest with you. It came on a bases loaded hit by pitch. I don't think I got a hit that year, but I did walk alot and I stole second a bunch of times.

So to recap: $100,000. I manage the team, deal with Lucchino's BS, agree not to play fantasy baseball, guarantee at least a second place finish.

The salary is non-negotiable by the way. And I want to bring back the bullpen car. And say bienvenidos otra vez to your new closer (pictured, left).

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