Back to the Panda

Since the New York Times is devoting more than 2,000 words to what makes baby pandas so freaking cute, I figured it would be okay to revisit little Tai Shan at the National Zoo in Washington.

I've learned some important new facts since I wrote about this little booger last time.

His nickname is Butterstick, after his approximate size at birth. So cute and shaped like butter? It's a miracle his mother didn't eat him up on the first night.

Second, once you go visit the panda cam, any productivity you hoped to have that day is gone. Just surrender to the overpowering adorability of the Butterstick. He is in control, and all you can do is watch.

And if you do check the panda cam as often as I do, you'll see that he plays with a Nike ball. The little guy heeded my advice and found a way to make money -- endorsements. And speaking of money, look how this guy is profiting from His Cuteness.

Lastly, and most awfully, I have learned that per our panda agreement with China, we must send the Butterstick back to the Communists when he turns two. This is simply unacceptable. Let me be the first to say I shall do everything in my power not to let this come to pass. I'm thinking that means an underground railroad, by which we sneak Butterstick to freedom in my basement, or possibly Canada. Fortunately, the rule of law means little to America the last couple of years, so I'm sure I'm find allies and panda fans in the highest levels of government.