Friday, November 25, 2005

The NaturalGift

We are all endowed with a natural gift. For some it is to create sculpture from clay. For others it is to make the written word dance before your eyes. For NaturalBlog, it is to pick the slowest checkout line at a retailer.

I have possessed this incredible ability my entire life. Just the other day at the Stop & Shop, I get into an express lane, then spied the fella ahead of me, with glasses like bottle-bottoms and a cigarette tucked behind his ear. This guy was trouble, so I tried to outsmart the NaturalGift and I got into another line. Little did I know that the mustachioed lady at register 12 would have not one but two half chickens ring up at $25.49 instead of $7.54, necessitating a price check of epic proportion. NaturalGift 1, NaturalBlog 0. That day, anyway. Over my lifetime the score is more like 745,328 to 0.

My gift knows no bounds. At Fenway Park, people lap me in the beer line. The customers ahead of me at Target always want to open a store charge. Even when I'm the only customer -- say, at a dry cleaner -- the NaturalGift rears its ugly head, maybe in the form of a pen that won't write, or as a lack of proper change in the register.

I've had hours and hours of waiting in line to try and figure out how to profit from this gift, only to come up empty every time. So I offer this altruistic advice: If you see me in your line, choose another.



Anonymous Anonymous said...

My greatest fear has come to pass: I simply MUST check the NaturalBlog ( or as my buddies call it, Natty B) every day.

If I'm in some backwater Cairo cybercafe and the only keyboards are relics from the reign of Pharaoh Samerkhet, I will henpeck through the hierogliphics until Natty B comes up.

If I'm lost in the Big Sky Country of Montana and have no access to the information superhighway, I will recruit young Canadian immigrants, hungry for adventure, to risk life and limb to get to the nearest wireless network and send back the Nat's witticisms through a complex, yet efficient, telephone system using tin cans and string.

At home, at work, in my sleep, I can't get enough. I've already ruined one marriage because of this obsession, and my current GF is threatening to walk out the door unless I stop neglecting her and shut the laptop. I am a founding member of Naturalics Anonymous. I spell words like t0mat0e with zeroes instead of O's. Tell me, O fellow Natsters, that I'm not the only one.

November 25, 2005  
Blogger NaturalBlog said...

Great. Now I'm not even the funniest guy on my own blog.

November 26, 2005  

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