Whiskey v. Scotch

Boxers or briefs? Ginger or Mary Anne? These are important questions but the best measure of a man is his answer to "Whiskey or scotch?"

Now don't get me wrong, both has its time and place. You have to love a whiskey so well known it goes by just its first name (Jack), not unlike the other objects of our adoration, whether singers (Madonna), athletes (Nomar) or the crushes of aging homosexuals (Cher).

So whither scotch? A more exclusive club, really. (Which is why it is the only choice if your company holiday party has an open bar.) I recommend it only in the winter, which fortunately for people around here means any time from October to June.

Scotch is to be savored, on occasions, with cigars, when you're courting Ginger or Mary Ann (or the skipper, for that matter). And because of its depth, there are many more choices. Eight-, 10-, 12-, 18-year. Blended, single or double malt? When I'm choosing a scotch, I can't behlp but think of reading the Sears Christmas catalog when I was 8, imagining the limitless possibility of receiving all of those toys.

I once explained the difference between these crazy cousins by singing Freebird. It's a little hazy I admit, but I seem to remember it being on the juke box at the bar when the discussion began.

I sang a few lines and explained that was whiskey -- just the lyrics, height and width but no depth.

Cause I'm as free as a bird now/And this bird you'll never change.

Then I let Lynyrd Skynyrd handle a few bars and explained that was scotch. The whole picture. The lyrics, the guitar, the drums. Depth.

So as you can see, scotch is far more complicated than whiskey, and Freebird is clearly the best way to describe that.