Shark Week!

In honor of Shark Week, I'll post something I wrote for a humor magazine last year.


Sharks protest Discovery's "Shark Week"

Dozens of sharks gathered outside the Silver Springs, Md., corporate offices of the Discovery Channel Sunday to protest the network's annual "Shark Week" programming.

Carrying signs that read "Sharks for Truth" and "It's safe to go in the water," the vicious fish demanded equal time on the popular cable network to present pro-shark programming or that Discovery spend a week devling into the dark side of dolphins.

"Not since the violent hatred of Jaws, Jaws 2, Jaws 3-D, and Jaws: The Revenge has there been such an unfair media portrayal of sharks," said one of the protestors, who identified himself only as Bitey. "[Discovery Channel President John] Ford will soon rival Peter Benchley for the pain he has wrought on our community."

"And now that Discovery is simulcast in spectacular HD, we're made to look even more vicious," Bitey said.

The 21st annual Shark Week on Discovery began Sunday August 2nd with a two-hour Mythbusters Shark Week special, in which hosts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman will investigate myths including whether chili powder repels sharks.

"Here's a myth you can bust, pal. How about the myth that all sharks are maneaters," shouted Chompers, a four-foot angel shark who was eating a mollusk. "Oh no, you'd never bust that myth because you're too busy perpetuating hateful stereotypes."

"I might eat crustaceans from the sea floor, but the real bottom feeders are these Discovery executives," Chompers said.

A Discovery spokesman said network executives will only meet with the sharks under the protection of a 1,300-cubic foot steel cage, a demand the sharks described as "petulant" and "insulting."

Discovery will broadcast 36 hours of shark-related programming during Shark Week, much of it devoted to the stories of people who survived shark attacks and tips on how to avoid shark attacks.

"Here's a tip," said a 6-foot 2-inch land shark who lives in nearby Chevy Chase, Md. "Quit swimming in my ocean. That's a sure way to keep from getting eaten."

"Candygram," he added.