Friday, March 30, 2007

Retro Week: God do I hate Celine Dion

And in the grand finale of this installment of Retro Week on the NaturalBlog, let's turn back the clock to 1998. What were my thoughts on the musical stylings of the day? I can say with exact certainty, because I wrote these words in my college paper.

Everywhere I turn, there's Celine Dion. I'll be honest: It's scary.

As if hearing "My Heart Goes On" every five minutes were not enough, now she's being lampooned on "Saturday Night Live" and is smiling her Canadian smile on the cover of Entertainment Weekly.

Not since the popularity of "Because You Loved Me" has my stomach somersaulted every time I turn on the radio. But now, it's worse than ever. More than once have my delicate little ears been harassed by her latest hit, which unfortunately doubles as the theme from "Titanic."

The worst part of it all is that if I want to listen to the radio, I can't avoid her. Even WBCN is playing it? Are you kidding me?

Maybe, just maybe, I could handle her success if "Titanic" didn't just topple "Star Wars" on the all-time profit list. Yes, the tale of Jack and Rose was wonderful. But it is nowhere near the quality of the epic struggle between the Rebellion and the Empire.

But even that transgression would be forgivable if not for the worst of it: There's dialogue from the $471 million blockbuster in that lyrical monstrosity. That is a sin I simply cannot overlook.

The two are inexplicably intertwined, which kind of makes sense seeing as how "My Heart Goes On" has been going on for just as long as the three-hour tale of two star-crossed lovers that we've all heard before.

If I want to hear pretty boy Leo DiCaprio profess his love for Kate Winslet as the big ship goes down, I'll go shell out seven bucks to see "Titanic" one more time. If I want to listen to Celine Dion tell me about love, I'll turn on the radio and flip to the station that's playing her song at that particular moment. Frankly, I don't want to do either, and for God's sake don't give me both at once.

I should have seen the nasty trend coming after even Bruce Springsteen, perhaps the greatest poet of his generation, succumbed to the movie dialogue/song lyric ploy.

Yes, even the Boss' "Secret Garden" fell victim after the marketing genius in charge of "Jerry Maguire" decided that the song wouldn't be complete with just Springsteen's lyrics. Nope, we needed to hear Tom Cruise and Renee Zellweger to fulfill our musical lives.

There was a time when songs were songs and movies were movies. But now, it seems that nothing is safe. Media convergence has made the commercialization blitz unrelenting.

I don't mind the websites advertised everywhere. I think getting movie listings over the phone is great. But having to listen to DiCaprio and Dion is just too much.

So to the all the victims of dialogue-laced love songs, please switch the station. And keep on switching until your ears are no longer subjected to the misery of the song that goes on.



Anonymous the copy editor said...

You know, you sure wrote a lot about a song that doesn't even exist. What is this Celine Dion tune "My Heart Goes On"? If you're lambasting the brilliant and beautiful theme from one of the Best Movies Evah(TM), then maybe you should at least get the song right: "My Heart Will Go On."

Um. Duh. I should know. In 1998 I owned both volumes of the soundtrack.

March 30, 2007  
Blogger nate said...

you had me at i hate celine dion.

you had me at i hate celine dion.


March 30, 2007  
Blogger Sebastian Dangerfield said...

Here, here. I must concur with Nate Dogg.

March 30, 2007  

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