The Young and the Restless

The only thing that's missing is Larry Luchinno's evil(-er?) twin showing up in an eyepatch.

The offseason soap opera at Fenway Park took another predictable turn last night when the Sox ownership group said former general manager Theo Epstein would return to the team in an official capacity.

Theo had apparently decided his music career would be no more succesful than Bronson's. So his vacation from the team, which began when he ducked reporters outside Fenway Park Halloween night by wearing a gorilla costume, has come to an end. In that time, the Sox have traded prospects for Josh Beckett, traded Edgar Renteria for a prospect, and lost Johnny Damon to the Yankees.

The team either wouldn't or couldn't explain Epstein's duties, title, or relationship to new co-GM's Jed Hoyer and Ben Cherington. They said that would come next week.

But of course. They say that so we're sure to tune in next week, when John W. Henry awakens from his coma, Manny's affair is discovered by his wife, and Mike Timlin comes out of the closet.

My goal is not to write about the Sox again until they have a centerfielder.