The leisure sports triathalon pentathalon

My dreams of being a pro athlete died sometime in 1988, when my highlight of my little league season was a bases loaded hit by pitch. (It ain't easy batting .000 with a lone RBI on a whole season, but I managed it.)

So what's left for guys like me? I call them the "Leisure Sports," loosely defined as those lacking aerobic activity, those relying heavily on strategy, or those during which you can consume alcohol.

I'm not alone in this, by the way, which is why I am proud to present the Leisure Sports Pentathalon, tentatively scheduled for August, after a grueling series of trials this month.

I think we could squeeze it into one day, so long as everybody agreed to call in sick at work.

Putt-Putt. It's rare that a leisure sportsman braves the outdoors, but I'm willing to do it for sweet smell of Astroturf: putt-putt. Bring a Gatorade, leisure athletes. It'll be hot out there.

Bowling. In an effort to get the most strenuous sports out of the way, it's to the lanes for the second leg of our five-part Olympiad. The cool AC of the bowling alley will offer a stark contrast to the angry sun of the putt-putt course. Watch out for cramping.

Poker. Sure, the combined weight of two of the last three world champions is, say, 600 pounds, but I still claim it's a sport. Ante up for some no-limit Texas hold 'em.

Pool. I'll try to sneak my weakest link in fourth in this five-stop tour de awesome. I play better after three or four beers, so we have to figure I'll have hit my stride by the time we hit the pool hall.

Darts. How better to wrap up competition than by throwing a sharpened object? Cricket determines the winner.

Leisure Sports Pentathalon official scoring: five points for first place per event, three for second, one for third. Ties determined by winner-take-all bocce tournament.