Oh, Charles

I've so far withheld public comment on the Scottsdale, Ariz., arrest of former NBA star Charles Barkley for drunk driving, but the details that continue to emerge in the case make it impossible for me to keep my lips sealed. Here are the facts of the case, as laid out by police, prosecutors, and gossip web sites.

Fact*: Barkley was arrested early Dec. 31 while running an errand, which is a nice way to say he was picking up a hooker.

Fact*: Barkley had spent the night drinking at a private table at a nightclub called Dirty/Pretty in Scottsdale and tipped exactly 20 percent, $360 on $1,800 worth of "table service."

Fact*: Barkley had been in the company of not only former pro football player Michael Strahan but also "actor" Jaleel White, who played Urkel on Family Matters.

The best details of the case come from the police report, which offers these gems:

He told me he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw in the passenger seat. He asked me to admit that she was "hot."

The report also says Barkley was "respectful" of the processing officers. What qualifies as respectful?

He told a civilian Gilbert PD employee, "I'll tattoo my name on your ass" if it would get him out of the DUI. He laughed and quickly corrected himself and said, "I'll tattoo your name on my ass."

I think he should've stuck with the original offer. Sort of like a permanent signature.

*May not be an actual "fact."