He looks like he's wearing makeup

Libyan strongman Moammar Gadhafi got his star turn before the United Nations yesterday. Proving once again how tough an act Barack Obama is to follow, Gadhafi rambled from hand-scribbled notes for better than 90 minutes.

At least he looked good doing it. Where do you think he got that outfit? The Garment District? A coworker suggested the hat is the kind that comes with fake hair hanging out of it.

Rifleman prefers OJ

Here's a picture of former Boston mobster Stephen "The Rifleman" Flemmi testifying in federal court in Boston.


Check out what he's drinking -- that looks like OJ from Au Bon Pain. From a straw!

I really would've thought he was more of a Dunkin' Donuts guy. I guess his tastes got more refined in prison.

Is this it for Clark?

The jury is out on Clark Rockefeller, the pathological liar who claimed to be from Boston's high society but is now accused of kidnapping his daughter Snooks last summer.

I don't mean that the jury is out figuratively. I mean literally, a jury in Suffolk Superior Court is weighing whether he'll go to jail for absconding with his daughter to Baltimore. The defense claims insanity, and they've sure got the data to back it up. Here's a short list of his aliases:

Charles "Chip" Smith, Christian Gerhart Reiter, Christopher Crowe, Chip McLaughlin, and Christopher Mountbatten Chinchester.

And here's a short list of claims he made, as reported either in court or in this exhaustive Vanity Fair article:

• He speaks Klingon.
• He has a $1b art collection.
• He plays the didgeridoo.
• He was mute after a childhood fall, until seeing a dog at age 10 and breaking his silence with, "Woofness."

In short, this guy is awesome. How could any jury in the world convict? The bad news, as reported in today's Boston Herald, is that even if he hoodwinks this collection of his peers, he's likely to be deported to his native Germany on a greencard violation.

And that's to say nothing of the potential murder charges he faces in California.

They should call it the Group of 40 oz.

That's a picture from this week's G-20 economic summit in London. Left to right, we've got hope mongerer Pres. Barack Obama, grope mongerer Italian PM Silvio Berlusconi, and nope mongerer Russian Pres. Dmitry Medvedev. ("In Communist Russia, sideburn burns you!")

This picture has a real facebook feel to it. You know the kind -- you're at a party, maybe a drink or two too deep. You're posing for a picture with people you don't like. You're smiling like a goofball.

I can just hear Obama now. "Silvio -- Don't tag me in this picture, man. Don't do it. I'll totally untag myself."

If the G-20 is as big a party as it appears, I can only hope French first lady Carla Bruni is the drunk girl.

Two for the Road

Here are a pair of news stories, neither of which I made up.

1. A 15-year-old in Lakeland, Fla., has been suspended from school for farting too much on his bus. The school bus driver turned him in. Something about this story doesn't add up. If the bus driver smelled it, isn't it an immutable law of the schoolyard that he also dealt it?

2. A dad from Hudson, Mass., faces charges for hosting a party with beer for his high school-age son. When police came to the house, the man leapt from a window and ran into the woods. Sounds like he fit right in with the kids.

For the defense...

I love impeachment. One of my favorite things, really. So I'm thrilled the Illinois state senate is moving ahead with the impeachment trial of democratic Gov. Rod Blagojevich, accused of trying to auction off a U.S. Senate seat.

What thrills me even more is how Blagjovich is dealing with it: By going on national TV in New York.

Here's a long clip of Rod and the lovely ladies of The View.


Call me crazy, but I think he's laying the groundwork for an insanity defense.

Saluting everyday heroes

A real life ninja is out there, and he needs cash.

Police in West Palm Beach, Fla., are looking for a man who wears all black over his beer gut and has tried to rob a pair of ATMs. I have a sneaking suspicion this guy isn't a real ninja. I mean, wouldn't an actual ninja have been successful in avoiding detection of a security camera?

Oh, Charles

I've so far withheld public comment on the Scottsdale, Ariz., arrest of former NBA star Charles Barkley for drunk driving, but the details that continue to emerge in the case make it impossible for me to keep my lips sealed. Here are the facts of the case, as laid out by police, prosecutors, and gossip web sites.

Fact*: Barkley was arrested early Dec. 31 while running an errand, which is a nice way to say he was picking up a hooker.

Fact*: Barkley had spent the night drinking at a private table at a nightclub called Dirty/Pretty in Scottsdale and tipped exactly 20 percent, $360 on $1,800 worth of "table service."

Fact*: Barkley had been in the company of not only former pro football player Michael Strahan but also "actor" Jaleel White, who played Urkel on Family Matters.

The best details of the case come from the police report, which offers these gems:

He told me he ran the stop sign because he was in a hurry to pick up the girl I saw in the passenger seat. He asked me to admit that she was "hot."

The report also says Barkley was "respectful" of the processing officers. What qualifies as respectful?

He told a civilian Gilbert PD employee, "I'll tattoo my name on your ass" if it would get him out of the DUI. He laughed and quickly corrected himself and said, "I'll tattoo your name on my ass."

I think he should've stuck with the original offer. Sort of like a permanent signature.

*May not be an actual "fact."

The year in mugshots

It's time to give a shout-out to the great web site The Smoking Gun, which has enough success in getting public records to make every journalist green with envy.

The site's year-end compilation of the best mug shots (flagged by my sis) is a trip, evidenced by the single tear falling from behind this man's shades.


Be sure to check out the whole gamut, which is well worth your time. Don't believe me? Take a look at this little teaser:

Why are the pretty ones so dumb?

It's my esteemed pleasure to share with you the story of the now-dethroned Miss Teen Louisiana, Lindsey Evans, 18, of Blanchard.

Evans and three friends decided they'd skip out on their bill at the Posados Cafe in Bossier City, near Shreveport. While that's not necessarily the appropriate behavior of someone selected as the downright prettiest and most genteel of all the teens in Louisiana, it's not cause enough to lose your crown.

See the thing is, Lindsey Evans forgot her purse during the dine-and-dash. She was arrested when she came back for it, and got in even more trouble when police found she had marijuana in there.

Oops.

So now she faces four criminal charges and has had her Miss Teen Louisiana crown revoked -- with just 11 days in her beneficent tenure. At least she smiled nice for the police:

You can't make this stuff up

I've held off for a week, but I can wait no longer. I'm now going to make fun of Clark Rockefeller.

If you don't know who he is, here's a minute summary: He's a wannabee blueblood with almost half a dozen aliases who kidnapped his daughter from Boston, absconded to Baltimore, and is now wanted for questioning in a California murder and missing persons case.

It's hard to pick a favorite part of this story, but if I had to, I'd go with the names that Clark Rockefeller has chosen as aliases over the years. We've got Charles "Chip" Smith, Christian Gerhart Reiter, Christopher Crowe, Chip McLaughlin, and the Cadillac of them all, Christopher Mountbatten Chinchester. (Sidebar: If I were going to use a blueblood alias, I'd pick Thurston Howell III.)

Clark/Charles/Chip/Christian/Christopher won't tell police his real name, but he did tell friends in Boston that he used gold bars to pay for his yacht. (He didn't have a yacht, but a leaky catamaran.) He used to tool around the town of Cornish, N.H., on a Segway. He had 300 gold coins in the Baltimore townhouse he bought before he absconded with his three-year-old daughter, whose nickname is Snooks. His ex-wife Sandra Boss paid him $800,000 to walk away from their marriage, even though no marriage certificate can be found.

And what about those California murders? Well, back in the mid-80s, Chinchester asked if he could borrow a friend's chainsaw and then the next thing you knew the couple he was living with disappeared.

Y'know what -- instead of writing this poorly read anonymous blog, I should be optioning the movie rights to the Clark Rockefeller story. I see Kevin Spacey as Rockefeller, Laura Linney as Boss, and Abigail Breslin as Snooks. I'm hearing a trailer like this:

In a world... where appearances aren't always what they seem. Clark had it all -- a beautiful family, a mansion in the country.

But he also had something else.

A dark past.

Coming this summer.... "Alias"*

*Working title

This is a must-share

A man in Florida allegedly demanded $50 from a store clerk in a hold-up. The suspect was armed only with his wits. And a palm frond. Here's a pic:


You'll notice he's already wearing a striped shirt, so he's prison-ready.

You can link to the full video of the robbery, and see him shaking the palm frond menacingly, at this web site.

Free Cheese!

It's a sign of the sad state of the Boston mafia, er, the alleged Boston mafia. The purported boss, who reports to guys in Providence, has the super scary nickname "The Cheese Man."

That's right. Carmen "The Cheese Man" DiNunzio is the man the FBI says runs the Boston mafia. What happened to the days of The Rifleman, The Animal, and Cadillac Frank?

The Cheese Man is in the news today because a federal judge has agreed to let him have house arrest. The judge shot down his request, however, to work in his North End cheese shop while he awaits trial on bribery charges.

No word on whether he can keep eating cheese.

She's my fave

The NaturalBlog's nominee for Teacher of the Century is back in the news.

Former Tampa teacher and pin-up girl Debra Lafave, she the "ice-blue eyes and flawless complexion" (as the St. Pete Times put it), is in trouble for violating her parole.

Under her sentence for having an affair with a 14-year-old male student a few years back, she wasn't allowed to have unsupervised contact with minors. The violation involves girl-talk with a 17-year-old coworker at Danny Boys' Restaurant. Her probation officer says the topics included "non-work related issues such as family problems, friends, high school, personal life, boyfriend issues and sexual issues in ... private one-on-one conversations."

I don't know if the 17-year-old in question reads the blog. But if you do, please don't take advice from this crazy lady.

Live free, die, or maybe both

Since no one was hurt, I'm now going to make fun of the dude who took hostages at Hillary Clinton's New Hampshire campaign office last week. He'll be arraigned today for kidnapping and other charges.

The suspect wore his Sunday best for the hold-up: slacks, white shirt and red tie. Neighbors say that was his usual get-up. Well, that and a drunked stupor.

He hatched his plan to go talk with Hillary while drinking rum and Cokes with his son-in-law.

His list of demands were pretty straightforward: cigarettes, soda, and alcohol.

Sounds to me like he's gunning for a deal as a booze spokesman. He's definitely got a little Cap'n in him.

Get Nancy Grace on the line, and somebody wake up the Dancing Itos

I would have failed as a blogger if I didn't have a couple of things to say about the curious case of John Karr, who says he is the killer in the unsolved murder of Jonbenet Ramsey 10 years ago in Boulder, Colo.

I think I'll just hit you up list style:

1. There's no way he he did it. Can you trust a guy who wears eye make-up?

2. You've probably seen the footage of his extradition flight from Thailand. How is it that I can't bring a bottle of water on a plane, but six camera crews can carry on their Port-A-Braces and $100,000 equipment for trans-Pacific jaunt? Thailand must as lawless as they say.

3. Karr's public defender -- the same attorney who represented him on child pornography charges five years a go -- is named Patience. Somehow I think that's funny.

4. On that flight from Thailand, the accused was treated to champagne and shellfish. I suppose this answers the question "Who do I have to kill to get a drink around here?"