I am the face of TSA

Since the Transportation Security Administration rummaged through each of my bags on my return trip from the Cradle of the Confederacy to the Cradle of Liberty, I will now allow my long simmering anger over our nation's completely backwards baggage screening procedures to roll into a full raging boil.


Let's start with the latest carry-on restrictions. Dump out that bottle of water, but sharpen up your scissors, screwdrivers, crochet hooks, and pliers. Lighters? Nope. Shaving cream? Nope. Contact solution? No way. But don't forget your claw hammer.

Worried? I wouldn't be. What evil can someone wrought with a hammer? They won't be able to smash your snow globe, since the TSA now confiscates snow globes before you get on the plane.

So unless you're some sort of contractor on a day trip, you're going to have to check bags. Why? Because back in August British authorities uncovered a plot to use liquids and gels to make an explosive on board U.S.-bound jetliners.

That must've been the first anyone had heard of such a plot, right, otherwise we would've been vigilant long before August, right? Not exactly. We'd known for years that gels and liquids could be used in this way, but our national security plan involves closing barn doors only after the horses have hijacked airliners. It's utterly totally completely reactive.

And how long have we known that a bomb in a checked bag is a successful terrorist method? When was Lockerbie? Yet still not all checked bags are screened and x-rayed. Sure, there's a red flag raised if the person who checked the bag doesn't get on the flight, but that method of protection only works if terrorists aren't willing to die with their luggage.

So how do we rearrange the deck chairs of commercial air travel? The TSA opens my bags to see what I got for Christmas. Of course, I shouldn't complain. I'm complicit in all this too. When I bought the locks for my luggage I actually uttered the words: "Oh these locks are the good ones -- The TSA can open them."

The good locks are the ones that the government can open?

I couldn't help but think of the final chilling lines of George Orwell's 1984: "He had won victory over himself. He loved Big Brother."