Thursday, August 07, 2008

You can't make this stuff up

I've held off for a week, but I can wait no longer. I'm now going to make fun of Clark Rockefeller.

If you don't know who he is, here's a minute summary: He's a wannabee blueblood with almost half a dozen aliases who kidnapped his daughter from Boston, absconded to Baltimore, and is now wanted for questioning in a California murder and missing persons case.

It's hard to pick a favorite part of this story, but if I had to, I'd go with the names that Clark Rockefeller has chosen as aliases over the years. We've got Charles "Chip" Smith, Christian Gerhart Reiter, Christopher Crowe, Chip McLaughlin, and the Cadillac of them all, Christopher Mountbatten Chinchester. (Sidebar: If I were going to use a blueblood alias, I'd pick Thurston Howell III.)

Clark/Charles/Chip/Christian/Christopher won't tell police his real name, but he did tell friends in Boston that he used gold bars to pay for his yacht. (He didn't have a yacht, but a leaky catamaran.) He used to tool around the town of Cornish, N.H., on a Segway. He had 300 gold coins in the Baltimore townhouse he bought before he absconded with his three-year-old daughter, whose nickname is Snooks. His ex-wife Sandra Boss paid him $800,000 to walk away from their marriage, even though no marriage certificate can be found.

And what about those California murders? Well, back in the mid-80s, Chinchester asked if he could borrow a friend's chainsaw and then the next thing you knew the couple he was living with disappeared.

Y'know what -- instead of writing this poorly read anonymous blog, I should be optioning the movie rights to the Clark Rockefeller story. I see Kevin Spacey as Rockefeller, Laura Linney as Boss, and Abigail Breslin as Snooks. I'm hearing a trailer like this:
In a world... where appearances aren't always what they seem. Clark had it all -- a beautiful family, a mansion in the country.

But he also had something else.

A dark past.

Coming this summer.... "Alias"*
*Working title



Anonymous Anonymous said...

I certainly hope frequent NB poster "Biff" Tannen weighs in on this one!!!

August 07, 2008  
Anonymous Mrs. NB said...

He also used to wear a bow tie on the Segway. Classic. Is he brought to us by the letter "C?" I can think of some really good c names for him ..

August 07, 2008  
Anonymous Grebe said...

Gah, I'm just thankful he didn't use my alias, Clark W. Griswold. Doesn't that sound aristocratic?

August 07, 2008  
Blogger Kevin said...

I used to have a fake ID from someone who looked not-at-all like me who had the real name of Henry Marwood Baskerville IV. His nickname was "Chip" because his dad's nickname was, inspired by Marood: "Woody." So if you're ever looking for me at the local pub, just ask for me by my alias: Chip Baskerville.

August 07, 2008  
Anonymous Biff Tannen said...

Ahh, I see the masses are starved for my ever-insightful comments. I'll start by suggesting a Separated at Birth pairing of Clark Mountbatten Chinchester (you're right, NB, by far the best one) and Chuck Klosterman.

I couldn't possible reveal my own aliases, though I do have a friend who was questioned by the police for underage drinking in college. They asked him if he had any aliases and he said the first thing that popped into his mind: "Slow Rochester." So there is now a police record out there that identifies him as such.

August 07, 2008  
Blogger Lucie said...

Can anyone tell me anything about the woman who had a child with this man, let alone deciding to marry him ? And then let him have unsupervised visitation with that child after giving him almost a cool million to make him go away ?

August 08, 2008  

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