Just a touch of the news

I'd like to thank two of my readers for passing along these important news stories.

Where would we be without a nice cheerleader controversy? The Idaho Vandals are scrapping skimpy two-piece cheerleader outfits in favor of something a little more demure. "A number of fans were concerned that the uniforms were inappropriate," the dean of students said. "To be fair, there were a number of fans who liked them."

Second, a Japanese diaper show. No joke. Because Japan is aging so rapidly, the Aging Lifestyle Research Center helped organize a fashion show for adult diapers. I can't help but think of the classic SNL ad.

Matt Walsh videotaped the tryout

I saw a boston.com's coverage this week of the try-outs for the New England Patriots cheerleader squad. I looked through the photos purely for research purposes: Given how marginally attractive the actual Pats cheerleaders are, how gross must the rejects be?

My answer was a disinterested "Meh."

I've often wished that in place of the usual my-city's-speciality for your-city's-speciality bet that mayors make during big games, someone would've arranged for the Patriots to win another team's cheer squad in Super Bowls XXXVI, XXXVIII or XXXIX. The Panthers' cheerleaders would obviously be the pick of the litter, but even Philly would've been an upgrade.

Also-rans

Occasionally, I come up with an idea that I think will be a funny bit for the blog, but it just doesn't work. So I decided to compile a couple of them to give you an idea of just how high the bar is for a gag to get posted. I ripped off this idea from the Chapelle Show (R.I.P.).

Mr. T. Reads Your Horoscope. Self explanatory. You'd think this would just write itself, but I couldn't make it past Libra.

Cheerleaders: Brave, undaunted. Somehow, the cheerleader who kept cheering even after she was seriously injured during a college basketball timeout escaped my wrath. By the time I was ready to post something about it, I couldn't think of anything funny. I'll get you next time, cheerleaders.

The Shut Up Fund. I wanted to write about how Globe columnist Dan Shaughnessy always pissed me off, and that I figured I wasn't the only one. My suggestion: Everybody who gets angry at Shaughnessy throws in $5 or $10, and we pay him not to write. But since I came up with this plan, a better idea dawned on me: I just stopped reading Shaughnessy.

Our top story...

As a member of the media elite, I often come across news stories that I think I ought to call to your attention. So here's a little roundup of stories you might have missed.

The New York Times reported that many former college and current pro-team cheerleaders work day jobs as pharmaceutical representatives. It's good to see you can go from breaking hearts to selling drugs that mend them.

A group in Washington, DC is collecting signatures in the hope of nominating talk show host Oprah Winfrey for the Nobel Peace Prize next year. Oprah's great, but her fans are confused. They must think it's the "Noble Prize." Not the first time a transposition error has doomed a well-intentioned group. Bad spellers once tried to organize, but their efforts floundered when they urged one another to "untie."

And in Maine, a lingerie shop is trying to give business a lift by putting live models in its windows. It has some shoppers wondering if Augusta has been stripped of its moral standing, and others saying "Tata" to downtown shopping. But I wonder if it increases the chances of a hold-up.

A note on cheerleaders

In case you live in a cave, or don't read johnnyjets.blogspot.com, or both, I need to call your attention to the curious case of the Carolina Panthers cheerleaders arrested in Tampa earlier this week.

Renee Thomas, 20, and Angela Keathley, 26, face various charges in Tampa, Fla., after they allegedly fought with fellow patrons at a bar after the Panthers beat the Bucs Sunday. The fight broke out after patrons who weren't the Panthers cheerleaders thought the Panthers cheerleaders were taking too long in a bathroom stall. It's thought they were taking too long in a bathroom stall because they were having sex with one another.

First, what happened to the good old days of just doing coke in a bathroom stall? Second, I should say Thomas and Keathley were fired from the Panthers, and maintain their innocence. But not their virtue.

There's something deeply fascinating about a bad cheerleader story. Witness the Boston Herald's treatment of Danvers, Mass., cheerleaders who allegedly showed up to a high school football game drunk. ("Sis Boom Booze," 12/3/04) Of course, their cause wasn't helped when a cheerleader sex tape was later rumored to exist. ("Danvers all steamed over racy girls video," 12/18/04).

Does a cheerleader getting in trouble somehow ameliorate bad feelings lingering from high school? Are we taking out latent anger over being made to feel less popular when we were children as adults? Isn't schadenfreude ultimately self-defeating? Does asking all these questions make me like Carrie Bradshaw?

Unknown. In the meantime, enjoy these cheerleader mugshots.