Friday, September 26, 2008

Just a touch of the news

I'd like to thank two of my readers for passing along these important news stories.

Where would we be without a nice cheerleader controversy? The Idaho Vandals are scrapping skimpy two-piece cheerleader outfits in favor of something a little more demure. "A number of fans were concerned that the uniforms were inappropriate," the dean of students said. "To be fair, there were a number of fans who liked them."

Second, a Japanese diaper show. No joke. Because Japan is aging so rapidly, the Aging Lifestyle Research Center helped organize a fashion show for adult diapers. I can't help but think of the classic SNL ad.

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Thursday, September 25, 2008

Picture pages

At the risk of turning this blog into a photo album, please enjoy this actual picture from my workplace.

I wish I could claim credit, but I wear a different shade of lipstick.


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

The signs of fall

When you see David Ortiz decked out in swim goggles, it's time for celebration. The Red Sox clinched a playoff spot last night with a victory over 22-game winner Cliff Lee of Cleveland.

That's the good news. What's the bad news?
Team W-L GB
Tampa 95-62 -
Boston 92-65 3
Three games down with five left to play. I looks like the Sox will have to go the '04 route, and win the World Series via the Wild Card.


Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Drunken News

You might think from the headline that this is news I came up with while I was drunk, but it's the other way around. It's news people made while they were drunk.

How about the fella who was busted for DUI -- while driving his friend to a DUI hearing. He's from Massachusetts, naturally, though it happened in New Hampshire. Here's a tip: Don't drive drunk to a courthouse. Just a bad idea.

Can you believe Jake the Snake is still wrestling? He was said to be drunk and high at a wrestling show in Ohio when he exposed his snake to the crowd. TMZ reports the story, which I found via a clever sports blog. To be honest with you, I'm a little shocked Jake the Snake is still alive.


Monday, September 22, 2008

I'm turning this blog into a one trick Colt

Since Bill Belichick brought his cheating heart to New England in 2000, the Patriots and Dolphins have met 17 times. And in that span the Pats are a paltry 9-8 against the Phins.

Which is why I was unsurprised (well, maybe not totally unsurprised) at yesterday's 38-13 drubbing in Foxboro. Some people might try to pin this loss on quarterback Matt Cassel (19 of 31 for 131 yards, TD, INT, fumble), but you can't blame him for the defense's complete inability to stop Ronnie Brown (4 rushing TDs and one passing).

The silver lining is that even at 2-1, the Pats are still a game better than the Colts. Cue the Sad Peyton, even if yesterday's loss wasn't really his fault.

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Thursday, September 18, 2008

Chief Wiggum? Is that you?

I was planning on holding up this Dunkin's, until I saw that the police flooded the zone with multiple marked cruisers. They're always one step ahead, I guess.


Wednesday, September 17, 2008

From the vault

I've only done this once or twice before, but I'm feeling lazy so here we go.

I recently purchased my first Sam Adams Octoberfest six-pack of the season, and boy were those beers delicious. In their honor, I am reposting a sonnet I wrote to Sam Adams in the early era of the blog. I figure most of you weren't reading back in '05, back when I use to put creative effort into this blog, so it's safe to offer this poem, which is an encore of a post from November 28, 2005.

Born each September in Jamaica Plain
Your birth portends a season of great hope--
Of college football and big hurricanes,
Of fallen leaves, another Red Sox choke.

But faster than the Boston leaves do drop
Your taps replaced by bitter winter brews.
It comes too quick; I still can taste your hops.
They help hold off the stubborn winter blues.

I know the time is nigh when it gets dark
At 5, then 4, and then 3:45.
Your time in bars and stores, a fixed mark,
As selflessly you warm our chilly lives.

It's no surprise I hold you as the best.
Please rest in peace, my Sam Octoberfest.


Tuesday, September 16, 2008

Long Overdue Props Persists

I caught 1995's Clueless on TV the other night, and I was shocked that I remembered pretty much every single line of dialogue.
"Hey you, anything happens to my daughter -- I've got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anybody would miss you."
Words to live by.

It's a clever movie. Very smart writing. Very pretty leads. If you wrote it off 13 years ago, I recommend you give it another shot. Also give Stacey Dash another shot.


Monday, September 15, 2008

Same goes for this blog

Scientists-- actual, legitimate, peer-reviewed scientists -- decided to study the "Effects of acute alcohol consumption on rating of attractiveness of facial stimuli."

Yes, you read that right, the University of Bristol in England studied beer goggles and found that they do exist.

According to researchers Lycia L. C. Parker, Ian S. Penton-Voak, Angela S. Attwood and Marcus R. Munafò, people who drank found members of the opposite sex more attractive than those in the placebo group. Oh that poor, sad, lonely placebo group.

The best finding, however, was the gender bias inherent in drinking:
The effects of alcohol consumption on ratings of attractiveness persist for up to 24 h after consumption, but only in male participants when rating female (i.e. opposite-sex) faces.
Sounds about right.


Friday, September 12, 2008

I love lamp

Behold the last known photo of a gaggle of lamps that once congregated in the men's bathroom at my workplace. They lived in the bathroom, a silent forest of dormant illumination, for many years, except for that time a coworker tried to free one of them.

She bravely entered the bathroom, moved the lamp to my office, and proudly offered the lamp to me as a method of indirect lighting. I was so pleased, until the brain trust removed my lamp, citing safety concerns.

I snapped this picture near the trash cans. Apparently someone clear cut the lamp forest. It's the end of an error -- er -- era.


Thursday, September 11, 2008

You are the Decider: Sexism, lies, audiotape

The presidential campaign has been going on for, say, 28 months, and only now is it getting good. It's so good that I'm firing up my untrademarked graphic for my occasional political series You are the Decider.

What drives my excitement? Well it has to do with one of my favorite idioms: "Lipstick on a pig."

You might remember that self-avowed hockey mom Sarah Palin joked that the only difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom was lipstick. This week Barack Obama said the Republican promise to bring change to Washington was "lipstick on a pig."

So the McCain-Palin machine (Hereafter, McPalin) mobilized to brand Obama sexist. Forget that Obama's used that phrase so many times it qualifies as a rhetorical crutch. Forget that McCain himself used it to descibe Hillary Clinton's healthcare plan. I'm just so excited we have a campaign issue we can all get behind: linquistics.

I think we would be better off talking about the remark from the South Carolina Democratic Party chairwoman that Palin's "primary qualification seems to be that she hasn't had an abortion," but that's just me.


Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Now that's what I call graffiti

I'm not a big fan of graffiti in bathrooms, because I think a bathroom is a place for quiet repose, not information on what numbers to call for a good time.

But this defacement is a nice one, spotted in one of my regular haunts.


Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Fear not!

I know, Patriots fans, that you are afraid about Tom Brady's season-ending knee injury. I know you're worried that this guy might do the surgery, that Gisele will distract him during his rehab, that Matt Cassel doesn't even know how to dress himself let alone be an NFL starter.

I shared your fears, up until I read this email that came into my work account.

Subject: News tips/story ideas
Message: OKAY I HEARD ABOUT TOM BRADY AND I WOULD LIKE 2 HELP HIM IF HE DOESNT HAVE A TORN LIGAMENT I HAVE A CLOSE FAMILY MEMEBER THAT CAN fix him and get him ready for next Sunday or the following week after that just if he doesn't have a torn ligament or maybe not sure but its worth a try to get him back into the field.
I didn't post the phone number and address, but rest assured I'll get in touch with this guy and Tom will be on the mend before you know it.


Monday, September 08, 2008

Sad Tom, Sad N-B, Sad Peyton

The New England Patriots are undefeated in the Matt Cassel era, which is a glass-is-half-full way of looking at Tom Brady's left knee injury that might mean the end of his season.

It might be better termed a glass-is-half-fool way of thinking about it, given Cassel's downright dreadful performance this preseason. So bring on the woe:

What will we do without Tom Terrific under center? While he's convalescing with Gisele, will our Patriots sink to -- gulp -- 10-6? 8-8? Will the Jets make the playoffs? Woe is me! Nothing can possibly snap me out of this funk.

Oh wait, maybe one thing.

Bears 29, Colts 13.


Friday, September 05, 2008

Tuckered out

The sheer weight of the hypocrisy of the last two weeks has really taken it out of me. It makes me miss college, when I could catch up on my sleep at only $800/credit.


Thursday, September 04, 2008

Caption this

"Hi. John McCain. Running for President. Lemme give you a little lesson I learned in 'Nam. Double bag it, son. Double bag it."


Wednesday, September 03, 2008

And you thought we'd get a break from gender politics

I've taken a few minutes off from pondering the Diophantine equation and Fermat's Last Theorem to devote some thought to something even more perplexing: The drama surrounding the Republican vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin, who was called both Sarah Failin' and Sarah Pawlenty at the RNC yesterday.

The NaturalBlog has been a Palin fan ever since my one-and-done contest, "Governor Hot or Not," more than a year and a half ago.

Palin is the sort of VP I ought to love -- she was a beauty queen, was a former television sportscaster, and there are photos of her like the pair on the right.

But I get a sinking feeling that my infatuation will be short lived, maybe because she wanted the library in Wasilla, Alaska, to ban books she found morally or socially objectionable, as The New York Times reported today.

The thing that convinced me to write today was this announcement that the 18-year-old hockey player Levi Johnston ("Sex on Skates," opined in New York Magazine) who got Palin's 17-year-old daughter pregnant will attend the RNC tonight with the Palin family.

I was initially baffled by the idea that the GOP would do this, but it makes perfect sense. The teen couple's complete and total overexposure will certainly be a turnoff for voters, and it will be easy to direct that outrage first against the liberal media and second against the liberal presidential ticket. It's too bad they have to throw two teenagers to a horde of media jackals to make it happen.


Tuesday, September 02, 2008

Two sport athletes, like myself

I think of myself as a two sport athlete because of my important contributions to not only a coed intramural C-league softball team, but also my advanced beginner/low intermediate volleyball team, The Mini Ditkas.

And while it's rare for there to be two-sport pro athletes, The New York Times sheds some light on professional baseball players who also compete on the statistical gridiron in fantasy football.

There are some good details in there, including a story about how Johnny Damon traded LaDanian Tomlinson to Terry Francona one week in '04, so Francona could beat Curt Schilling.

"It was O.K.," Damon told the Times. "We all wanted to beat Schilling."


Monday, September 01, 2008

Labor Day

I think it's fitting that my alarm didn't go off on the morning of Labor Day. It's almost as if it said, "Forget it pal. I don't care if you have to work. I'm taking the day off."

And speaking of labor, don't forget what the moonbat liberal bloggers are saying about Sarah Palin's.