Col. Sanders returns from dead, seeks UN audience

True story -- the actor who plays the Kentucky Fried Chicken "mascot" Col. Sanders punk'd the UN, getting past security and posing for the photo at right with the new president of the UN General Assembly Ali Treki.

A spokeswoman says Treki shook the Colonel's hand out of courtesy, and adds that the handshake left a delicious sheen of grease on his Treki's palm.

The real Col. Sanders died in 1980. It's unclear why someone who'd managed to come back from the dead would go to the United Nations.

This qualifies as news

Here's a check on your Friday morning headlines.

King of Pop's BMI a healthy 20.1. Michael Jackson's autopsy is out and the headline is that he's in good health. I don't know if I believe it, because that assessment comes from the same people who say 136 pounds on his 5'9" frame is just fine. The autopsy also noted he was balding.

Splendid Splinter splintered. The greatest hitter who ever lived, Ted Williams, is said to not be resting in peace. You may remember that Williams' head is cryogenically frozen in Arizona. A new book says someone took batting practice with it, sending "tiny pieces of frozen head" flying. Williams is the last player to 1) hit above .400 for a season and 2) have his head cryogenically frozen.

What the.... ?. The Wisconsin Tourism Federation has changed its name because its initials were WTF. It is now the Tourism Federation of Wisconsin. What do you expect from a place that has a "Recombobulation area in an airport.

Down with stinky people

Sweaters, beware.

Gordon Y.K. Pang of the Honolulu Advertiser reports a proposal before city councilors would ban stinky people from buses, in the hopes of eradicating the plague of the malodorous before Honolulu builds its new rail line.

The measure would prohibit bringing "onto transit property odors that unreasonably disturb others or interfere with their use of the transit system, whether such odors arise from one's person, clothes, articles, accompanying animal or any other source."

So far so good. What else?

"Some people, quite frankly, do not take a bath every day and therefore they may be offensive in terms of their odor," said a co-sponsor.

I'm on board. What's the catch?

Well, the bill would also prohibit being intoxicated on the bus. Isn't that kind of the point of public transportation?

The mish-mash of my mind

Hers's a few thoughts that came to me while doing whatever it is that I do.

A Harvard economics professor moonlights as a strongman -- y'know, one of those fellas who pulls 18-wheelers with his teeth. The Boston Globe has a story and some video. Worth watching. Funny thing is, this guy's name is Lauren. A dude named Lauren, which explains why he took up weightlifting.

I was folding some laundry this week when what to my wandering ears did appear but a pitch for Mighty Putty Steel. Was the late pitchman Billy Mays speaking to me from beyond the mortal coil? No. Turns out companies are still running ads with him. In fact, they say their sales are up since his death.

And finally, if you're looking for something to do this weekend, beat Sunday's deadline for submitting awesome ideas to the Awesome Foundation, in the hopes of winning a $1,000 grant. "The only criteria being that the person thinks it’s awesome, we think it’s awesome, and it’s an awesome thing to do," organizer Tim Hwang told the Boston Herald.

Your move, ladies

British scientists dealt a major blow in the gender wars this week, reporting that they had created human sperm in a lab. Upon hearing the news my first thought was, "Well, I'm irrelevant." My second thought was, "But can lab sperm make you laugh?"

This news comes the same week that a Massachusetts medical device company got initial approval from the FDA on a permanent contraceptive for women. The name of the company is HoLogic, which I find titillating.

Two for the road

1. A Tufts University scientist studying mating and reproduction found that females in a study group were very picky. According to a New York Times write-up, the females would "start dialogues with up to 10 males in a single evening and can keep several conversations going at once. But a female mates with only one male, typically the one she has responded to the most." The researcher was studying fireflies.

2. The Prime Minister of Italy and NaturalBlog fav Silvio Berlusconi is defending himself against charges that he paid prostitutes to attend his parties. The 72-year-old Berlusconi said the suggestion is laughable because he's never paid for sex. "I never understood where the satisfaction is when you're missing the pleasure of conquest," he said.

Well, that explains the slogan

I wish I had seen this story before I got back from my big-time European vacation.

Authorities in Germany say they found trace amounts of cocaine in Red Bull's new cola drink. It amounts to 0.13 micrograms of cocaine per can, and according to Time you'd have to drink 12,000 Red Bulls to feel the effects. Even, so the Health Institute in the German state of North Rhine Westphalia is recommending a nationwide ban.

It's just another case of life imitating art; Dave Chapelle did this bit on his Comedy Central show ages ago.

Chappelle's Show
Tyrone Biggums' Red Balls Energy Drink
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Now the News

It's been a while since I've done a news roundup. This either means the news has been less funny, or I have been more lazy.

Life imitating art imitating life. The commander of the Atlantis space shuttle mission to repair the Hubble space telescope is formerly a stunt pilot. He's Scott Altman of Pekin, Ill. You might recognize his middle finger, which had a cameo in Top Gun when Tom Cruise was "keeping up foreign relations" with the Russian MiG. That's right. Tom Cruise does his own stunts but won't give someone the finger. Crazy Scientologist.

Justice is blind, big-breasted. Britain's largest clothing retailer, Marks & Spencer, has admitted a decision to charge women more for larger bras was a bust. There was a $3 surcharge for bras sized DD or larger, but the company gave the idea the heave ho after 14,000 women complained. Justice was obviously served here. I can't help but remember when former Attorney General John Ashcroft ordered the boobs on the statue of justice covered at a press conference.

Not necessarily the news

"911 is for if you’re dying," the dispatcher said. Jean Fortune got upset when a Boynton Beach, Fla., Burger King didn't have lemonade, so he called 911. Naturally. Imagine if they'd run out of pickles! Click this link to listen to the 911 call. You'll be shocked at how patient the dispatcher is. "Sir, c'mon, c'mon. I know you don't seriously think the police need to make Burger King give you food faster." He's so nice that Mr. Fortune even calls her "sweetie."

Funny, I always figured she'd end up with Paul. The actress who played Winnie Cooper on the TV hit The Wonder Years, Danica McKellar, is getting married to her longtime boyfriend Mike Verta. Several "news" sources describe him as a "film and TV composer/visual effects artist." I put news in quotes because I'm not really sure how to classify OK Magazine.

News Roundup

I've been scouring the Internets for the most important happenings in our world, and this is what I've found.

So that's what teen spirit smells like. A juror in Massachusetts was dismissed because her body odor was of "such a magnitude that other jurors who had already been picked... indicated discomfort," in the words of a thoughtful judge. "The other jurors would be put at a distinct disadvantage in their efforts to concentrate," the judge said. Her decision to remove the juror was upheld on appeal.

Hopefully he never misses a flight. A six-year-old boy in Virginia missed the bus and was worried he'd be late for PE, so he did what any resourceful kid would do. He took his mom's car and drove it to school. The trouble came when he pulled out to pass someone going too slow in front of him, jerked back into his lane when he saw a tractor-trailer coming, and hit a utility pole. He was about a mile-and-a-half from school.

Like anyone will want to remember this decade. Like a prospector who seizes up land in the hope there's gold in them thar hills, some dude has trademarked the term "Naughty Aughties" in the hope that the phrase will one day be used to describe the decade from 2000-2009. He has also trademarked Aughties, Naughties, Naughts, and Aughts. "Become an official licensee," his web site says, "and capitalize on this once in a century opportunity."

News you in all likelihood cannot use

Here are a couple items you should consider while figuring out how to sate your hunger.

Somewhere Chelsea weeps. The second-best thing to come out of the Clinton White House, Socks the Cat, is said to be near death. U.S News says the "days are numbered for Socks, now a downright elderly 17. Socks lives with Bill Clinton's former personal secretary Betty Currie in Maryland now. Can you believe it was 16 years ago The New York Times opined in a headline: "Hands Off Cat, Clinton Warns."

Somewhere Ocho Cinco weeps. Tampa Bay Buccaneers defensive end Greg White has formally changed his name to "Stylez G. White." The name is a nod to Michael J. Fox's buddy in the Teen Wolf movie, Rupert “Stiles" Stilinski. If I were going to do this, I'd find inspiration in a character from another 1985 Michael J. Fox hit; I'd go with Biff Tannen.

Somewhere Tom Bosley weeps. A lot of people have lost money in a $50b Ponzi scheme allegedly run by a New York trader. I think it would be funny if Henry Winkler ran a Ponzi scheme but called it a Fonzie scheme. If I were a victim of said Fonzie scheme, I would retain attorney Barry Zuckerkorn to represent me.

Flus, booze, and the news

I submit they should brand this service as "Flugle." Google says it can tell where flu outbreaks are happening, as they're happening, based on what people are searching for. Check out their U.S. flu map here. The company says it's able to pinpoint outbreaks about two weeks before the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention realizes there's something going on. This is simultaneously interesting and terrifying. I'll reiterate my April 2006 claim that people will one day learn to loathe Google and all its power.

I bet these people are a blast around the holidays. A state trooper in Indiana arrested a woman for drunk driving and called her husband so he could come pick up the couple's one-year-old son. Turns out the husband drove to the station drunk, so the cops arrested him and called the grandparents. Do you see where this is going? The grandparents had also been drinking. But somehow the grandma was still under the legal limit. So not only did she avoid arrest, she also got to drive the little boy home.

Sure he was ugly, but he was no Sam. The reigning ugliest dog in the world, Gus the Chinese Crested has died in Florida. It's unclear if the World's Ugliest Dog Contest organizers crown a runner-up each year so there can be a dog to step into the busy schedule of charity work and appearances at golf tournaments.

Just a touch of the news

I'd like to thank two of my readers for passing along these important news stories.

Where would we be without a nice cheerleader controversy? The Idaho Vandals are scrapping skimpy two-piece cheerleader outfits in favor of something a little more demure. "A number of fans were concerned that the uniforms were inappropriate," the dean of students said. "To be fair, there were a number of fans who liked them."

Second, a Japanese diaper show. No joke. Because Japan is aging so rapidly, the Aging Lifestyle Research Center helped organize a fashion show for adult diapers. I can't help but think of the classic SNL ad.

Drunken News

You might think from the headline that this is news I came up with while I was drunk, but it's the other way around. It's news people made while they were drunk.

How about the fella who was busted for DUI -- while driving his friend to a DUI hearing. He's from Massachusetts, naturally, though it happened in New Hampshire. Here's a tip: Don't drive drunk to a courthouse. Just a bad idea.

Can you believe Jake the Snake is still wrestling? He was said to be drunk and high at a wrestling show in Ohio when he exposed his snake to the crowd. TMZ reports the story, which I found via a clever sports blog. To be honest with you, I'm a little shocked Jake the Snake is still alive.

You can't make this stuff up

I've scoured the news wires to bring you these three stories, which I deem to be today's most important.

Bill Clinton wants to rock your world. Speaking to an audience in Las Vegas, former president Bill Clinton said America would "rock the world" if it could make just one state energy independent. Clinton later added that by "the" he meant "your" and by "just one state energy independent" he meant "sweet love to that dancer over there." I can't believe we passed on a chance to make this guy the First Gentleman.

He glitters, alright. You might know Gary Glitter as the guy who gave us this college basketball anthem. You may not know that the 64-year-old British singer just got out of a Vietnamese prison where he was locked up for molesting children. But don't look for him at a JV game anytime soon -- he left Vietnam for Thailand, but has been refused entry to Hong Kong and England.

No, I'm a yacht. A baby whale mistook a yacht for its mom, and tried to nurse from it in the waters near Sydney, Australia. It's unclear what happened to the mom, but Nancy Grace thinks she went to a sexy party. Unfortunately, there's no way to feed a 15-foot whale baby by hand, so the story will not have a happy ending.

Non-Olympic News Roundup

I know this blog has been kind of hooked on the Olympics lately. You should see how much I've written about it for some other blog, too. Today I'll take a little break and give you some news of the strange.

Coffee makes you perky. There's a flap in Bremerton, Wash., over an espresso stand where the baristas are topless. Well, they wear pasties, so I guess they're not technically topless. The coffee shop's owner has been branded a "purveyor of smut" by a city official. Talk about bitter. I've been unable to find a review of how the coffee tastes.

This was a sub-plot on Family Guy. A 20-year-old man who can only be described as a fool for fuel broke into a California airport and filled his gas tank with aviation gasoline. He was arrested on theft and drunk driving charges. I wonder if he tried to drink the stuff, too.

It's like the opposite of that Beach Boys song. The mayor of Mount Isa in Australia's Outback wants to import some ugly women to his town. "May I suggest if there are five blokes to every girl, we should find out where there are beauty-disadvantaged women and ask them to proceed to Mount Isa," the mayor said. It's sort of unclear why he wouldn't want to import attractive women.

News Roundup: You can't make this stuff up

A simple "No" might've sufficed. Vitaly Kovtun, 22, faces aggravated felony assault charges in Salt Lake County, Utah over a kind of road rage incident. It went like this.

Driver 1: "Excuse me, sir, do you have any Grey Poupon?"

Kovtun: (Pulls gun out of glove box, cocks it.) "Here's your Grey Poupon, roll your redacted windows up."

I've been unwittingly contributing to that scientific journal for about ten years now. Researchers in France say the louder the music in a club, the more patrons will drink. The working theory is the louder it is, the harder it is to talk in a bar, and faster people sip their beers. The research appeared in the Alcoholism: Clinical & Experimental Research.

No word on whether Juan Carlos will hug it out. The stranger-than-fiction world that follows Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez took another absurd step forward when he promised to give Spanish King Juan Carlos I a hug. It's noteworthy because Juan Carlos notably exclaimed to Chavez last November, "Why don't you shut up?" Chavez's long-delayed response came on his weekly TV show, "I'd like to give the King a hug but you know, Juan Carlos, that I am not going to shut up."

NaturalBlog News Roundup

Let's take a walk through the headlines, you and I.

Most of them drive hatchbacks. I heard about a new trend in California (where else?) of getting environmentally conscious singles together for speed dating. I imagine the ads read something like "SWM, 36, seeks SF to share bike rides, granola, patchoulie. Must have Nader sticker on your Prius." Well, you know what they say about a guy with a big carbon footprint.

Oh crap. A woman in Florida is facing charges after she assaulted her boyfriend because she found him smoking cocaine. Her weapon of choice was a toilet seat. Not bad, but still not as good as a previous toilet seat story (Item No. 3).

Oh, Michigan. Who is stealing manholes in Flint, Mich.? The city reports that nearly 400 manhole covers and grates have been stolen. This is as good a time as any to tell you that "manhole" is one of my least favorite words. The only way to make it worse is to couple it with "exploding."

And now the news

Here's a pretty good pair.

It's a cluster, alright. A fella from Oregon is going to fly to Idaho this weekend. Not very notable, except that he's going to do it using 150 giant helium balloons attached to a lawn chair. He calls it cluster ballooning. It's his third attempt to accomplish this meaningless feat. I'd say he's a poor man's Steve Fossett.

The site does not indicate who their hairstylist is. A lot of people have emailed me to ask how they could get the prarie dresses popularized by the women from the Texas polygamist religious sect at the center of that child custody battle. Ok, no one has emailed me to ask that. But if you did, I would direct you to the new FLDSDress web site, where you can get dresses, overalls, trousers, and edible underwear. One of those things was a joke.

This is a must-share

A man in Florida allegedly demanded $50 from a store clerk in a hold-up. The suspect was armed only with his wits. And a palm frond. Here's a pic:


You'll notice he's already wearing a striped shirt, so he's prison-ready.

You can link to the full video of the robbery, and see him shaking the palm frond menacingly, at this web site.