NaturalBlog News Update

Not even The King can save you. A totally reasonable man beat a peacock so viciously in a Staten Island Burger King parking lot that the bird had to be euthanized. When asked what he was doing, he said "I'm killing a vampire." What was a peacock doing in a BK parking lot? I guess NBC sent it's mascot out for food.

Hold it! The lawyer for 1/3 of the NASA love triangle says the oft-told story about his client wearing diapers during her 950-mile revenge trek from Texas to Florida is a lie. Lisa Nowak's attorney says the diapers were leftovers from when her kids were toddlers, and they just happened to be in the car when she was arrested for threatening her love interest's girlfriend. Perhaps tellingly, the attorney did not dispute the parts of the story alleging the pepper spray, steel mallet, buck knife, BB pistol and garbage bags Nowak had with her.

Hot astronaut love revealed

"I asked him, 'Are you sure that she's OK with this? Because you know how these things go?' and I said, 'Is there gonna be some crazy lady showing up at my door trying to kill me?' And he said, 'No, no, no, she's not like that. She's fine with it. She's happy for me.'"

To quote John McLaughlin: Wrong!

ABC News says the the man in the astronaut love triangle that captured the nation's (ok, my) imagination, Bill Oefelein, was the ultimate NASA playa, carrying on with two women at once, with hilarious consequences. Among the hilarity, the fact that he called the victim in all of this, Capt. Colleen Shipman, by the name of the other one, Capt. Lisa Nowak. This guy gets more play than Capt. Kirk.

You can also read what are billed as "steamy" e-mail exchanges between Oefelein and the saner of his two girlfriends. Sure, there's a little steam ("[My] first urge will be to rip your clothes off, throw you on the ground and love the hell out of you."), but mostly the e-mails are sweet and I almost feel guilty reading them.

Some of them are even really funny, like when Oefelein says he hopes Shipman can make a European trip with him, because "I need my beautiful Irish girl to keep the evil, ugly bread canister ladies away from me."

Funny, but not really poetic. What we need to do is send a poet or artist into space, so they can capture the awesome majesty of looking down on the earth from above, without being distracted by the pressures of dating two women at once, one of whom is married and has lost touch with reality.

Ok. What gives?

This week's case of the astronaut love triangle, in which an astronaut who couldn't hold it drove 12 hours to confront a woman she thought was moving in on a shuttle commander she had the hots for, got me thinking again about a question that has plagued me for years.

Why do female astronauts have bangs? Their official NASA photos look like they were taken in 1982, after Dolly Parton's stylist came to visit the Johnson Space Center.

Don't believe me? Take a look.


What is up with this?

The only theory I've been able to come up with is that bangs (and buzz cuts, on the men's side) are required under NASA regulations, as a way of making astronauts unattractive and therefore keeping them from having sex in space.

I'm sticking with my idea until a more plausible theory emerges.


UPDATE: Due to popular demand, I will give a nod to perhaps the most famous example of astronaut bangs, the late Christa McAuliffe.

Out of this world

A NASA astronaut caught up in an astronaut love triangle is now the first astronaut ever charged with first degree murder, attempted kidnapping, battery, and attempted vehicle burglary with battery.

Lisa Nowak was said to be jealous of another woman's affections for astronaut William Oefelein. Prosecutors say she drove more than 12 hours from Houston to Orlando so could confront the space hussy. Apparently pressed for time, she wore diapers so she wouldn't have to take bathroom breaks.

So who is this NASA piece of ass who has women literally peeing in their pants because he's so hot?


Well, hot for NASA, I guess.

Nowak apparently told investigators she had "more than a working relationship but less than a romantic relationship" with Oefelein. By this I just assume she meant a Glenn-Close-in-Fatal-Attraction type relationship.

Nowak pleaded not guilty. She said she just wanted to talk to the other woman. The implements she was going to use to facilitate the discussion? Pepper spray, a steel mallet, a buck knife, a BB pistol, and a garbage bag.

Though the garbage bag might have been for the diapers.