NaturalBlog News Roundup: All the news that fits

Laces out! The backup punter from Northern Colorado will spend seven years in prison for stabbing the first-string punter, in the hopes of winning the starting job. Prosecutors said the 22-year-old was "obsessed with being the starting punter" in the hopes of being "the big man on campus." Yeah. I'm sure that plan would've worked.

Spoiler alert: Failure ahead. The world's oldest man, 112-year-old Tomoji Tanabe of Japan, is setting himself up for a disappointment. On his birthday last month, someone asked him how many more years he wanted to live. The old dude said: "For infinity." Unlike a lot of old people, he doesn't drink or smoke, though he is known to guzzle milk.

America needed a hero. He stepped forward. The Cambridge, Mass., police department called Thomas Gannon a criminal for allegedly stealing more than 100 parking meters, but I call him a freedom fighter. It seems like a lot of work to use a drill bit and saw to steal a couple quarters, so I can only assume Gannon was striking a blow against parking tyranny. I'll be starting his legal defense fund.