Lohan Redux

I know I promised that I was done with Lindsay Lohan, but I couldn't resist this observation.

Take a look at the mugshot from her DUI and drug arrest in Santa Monica, Calif., last week. While her hair looks pretty good for a coke- and booze-fueled car chase, her skin is downright awful. (The herpes sore on her lip is kind of gross, too.)

But the reason I mention the skin is because it doesn't make sense given her $2 million dollar contract with Pro-Activ, the high-priced acne medication.

I guess they don't allow designer face washes in prison. Go figure.

This post is my formal notice that I no longer have a crush on Lindsay Lohan

When I look back at the thick and thin (rail thin, really) of my long celebrity crush on Lindsay Lohan, I have to wonder why it lasted even this long.

There were the bizarre injuries, like slipping on some tea. The bizarre behavior, like telling the family of the late Robert Altman to "Be Adequite." And of course the rehab stints interrupted only by trips to nightclubs.

My heart was hers because she was something of a tragic figure, what with the acne and the bizarre confrontation with that guy Brandon Davis.

But now that she's been arrested on suspicion of drug possession after a suspected drunk driving crash, I think I'm gonna call it quits with L. Lo.

I'll remember the good times, but she'll no longer have a home on the blog.

Goodnight, moonbat.

Not so anonymous

The lovely Lindsay Lohan is in rehab, according to her mother. This follows L.Lo's bizarre Blackberry message to the family of Robert Altman after the director died, in which she advised loved ones to "Be adequite."

I think it's ironic (sad, maybe?) that when a celebrity goes to alcoholics anonymous we all know about it. I guess it's like alcoholics conspicuous for her.

I realize I may be part of the problem by bringing this up on the blog, which is ready by literally dozens and dozens of people. Well, dozen and dozen, about 25 a day, I guess.

Will L. Lo age gracefully?

You see a lot of ads with pretty, post-menopausal ladies talking about aging gracefully. There's Sally Field telling you how to keep your bones strong, Andie McDowell telling you how to keep your hair from going grey, and Diane Keaton telling you to buy some other old lady product.

This got me thinking...

What will these ads be like in 50 years, when today's budding starlets have aged gracefully.

I'm afraid that in 2056, we'll see Pamela Anderson-Lee-Rock-Hasselhoff-Swayze-Trump schilling for discount tattoo removal, Britney Spears in absinthe ads, and my honey of honeys Lindsay Lohan selling OTC hepatitis-C medication.

Be still my heart.

Long Overdue Props, Vol. I

I can't believe I've blogged for almost a year without giving a shout out to the Motel Hi Ho, conveniently located on the Merritt Parkway in Fairfield, Conn.

Yes, you're reading that name correctly. It's actually called the Hi Ho, and it is the first recipient of my new occasional series "Long Overdue Props."

Sure, you're derided as the "filthiest, most run-down hotel ever," but I care not.

I couldn't find a picture, so instead I'll take this chance to say hi to my ho.

I've got the news

There is finally justice in Athens. I bet potty-mouth Brandon Davis will think twice the next time he's tempted to slander NaturalBlog crush Lindsay Lohan.This, after some random chick totally let him have it outside a Los Angeles nightclub. Read about it here, but I caution you it's PG-13.

This is what passes for celebrity in this town. A Boston woman made $100 by letting Ben Affleck use her toilet (thricely). What do you bet he leaves the seat up?

Gumbel was appaently unavailable. Elizabeth Vargas, about to go on maternity leave, is out and Charlie Gibson is in at ABC World News Tonight. Isn't it illegal to demote a woman because she's pregnant?

She looks better in a gorilla suit. Red Sox general manager Theo Epstein is signing a long-term deal, after proposing to his girlfriend Sunday night. It's reported Theo e-mailed friends to tell them, but it's unclear if he blogged about it.

All news, all the time

Well, he is having a tough time at the restaurant. In a case of art imitating life imitating art, John Ventimiglia, the actor who plays Artie Bucco on HBO's The Sopranos, was arrested in New York City on suspicion of drunken driving and cocaine possession. Officers pulled over his 2004 Volkswagen Jetta after they saw him allegedly weaving in traffic. Wait -- a Jetta?

Like there isn't enough Bad Attitude already on TV. Mr. T. will get his own television show, something like Dr. Phil meets Antqiues Road Show. But less touchy feely. Said Mr. Laurence Tureaud: "You're a fool — that's what's wrong with you. You're a fool if you don't take my advice."

My house is apparently the only place she hasn't showered. You may remember a few months back when Lindsay Lohan slipped on some stairs at Bryan Adams's house, after she was all oiled up following her shower. Allegedly. Well now she's fractured her ankle afer another slip. It's unclear at press time, but it appears to have happened this time at Kelly Osbourne's house. Scrub up all you want, Lindsay. Dirty girls just can't get clean.

The many faces of Lindsay Lohan

It's clever, people.

Well I guess the secret's out

I tried to keep it from the paparazzi, my friends, even my fiance, but now that Lindsay Lohan has gone and lost her diary while boozing, I guess the whole world will know about our secret fling.

Those were eight magical days.

Am I ashamed of being the rebound guy after Wilmer? Maybe a little, but it is nice to know she wrote a song about me.