You are the Decider: Decide Already

I hope you vote today, so we can get this election over with and get directly to the recounts and lawsuits. If that's not enough motivation to get you to the polls, I'll unleash this untrademarked graphic. You know the one. It has the bulls pooping.


In preparing today's post, I decided to go back and read the first-ever You are the Decider entry on my blog, way back in December 2006. If I do say so myself, it was funny -- "I'm happy to usher in an occasional political series you'll see between now and November 4, 2008 (if the blog lasts that long)." -- and maybe even prescient.

Here's what I said about Barack Obama:

Illinois Senator Barack Obama's efforts to spell out an agenda notwithstanding, he does have the most powerful asset any candidate can offer: He is largely a blank canvas on which voters can project their hopes and ambitions.

Not bad, not bad at all.

You are the Decider in just eight days

My ill-timed hiatus left dozens (literally, dozens) of people without their primary source of news about the 2008 presidential election: My occasional political series You are the Decider.

We have a lot of ground to cover, so I'll get right to the graphic of the bulls pooping.


I'm almost fearful to delve into this topic, but it's my duty to report to you that Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin (Wasilla High's "Best Dressed" and "Most Like to Seceed," 1988) has begun to "go rogue" in speeches and media interviews, ignoring the talking points and making policy seemingly off the cuff.

In fact, she'd "like to go more rogue," according to an unnamed senior Republican who spoke with Politico.

I'm not exactly sure how this new and improved mavericky rogue-ness will manifest itself. It makes me wonder if the rogue-ity is the result of a potentially tragic misunderstanding over what "battleground state" actually means. Suffice it to say I would not like to be a moose in a swing state.

You are the Decider: Sexism, lies, audiotape

The presidential campaign has been going on for, say, 28 months, and only now is it getting good. It's so good that I'm firing up my untrademarked graphic for my occasional political series You are the Decider.


What drives my excitement? Well it has to do with one of my favorite idioms: "Lipstick on a pig."

You might remember that self-avowed hockey mom Sarah Palin joked that the only difference between a pit bull and a hockey mom was lipstick. This week Barack Obama said the Republican promise to bring change to Washington was "lipstick on a pig."

So the McCain-Palin machine (Hereafter, McPalin) mobilized to brand Obama sexist. Forget that Obama's used that phrase so many times it qualifies as a rhetorical crutch. Forget that McCain himself used it to descibe Hillary Clinton's healthcare plan. I'm just so excited we have a campaign issue we can all get behind: linquistics.

I think we would be better off talking about the remark from the South Carolina Democratic Party chairwoman that Palin's "primary qualification seems to be that she hasn't had an abortion," but that's just me.

You are the Decider: Smooth Edition

It's been too long since my last installment of the NaturalBlog's occasional series on the 2008 presidential race, You are the Decider. Let's dust off that graphic.


Those are bulls pooping, because this is a no-bull zone.

I'm writing today about a phrase that was key in the Hillary Clinton-Barack Obama primary fight and has reemerged in the general election fight between Obama and John McCain. The phrase is: Out of touch.

As in, McCain is out of touch because he can't remember off the top of his head how many houses he owns. Or as in, Obama is out of touch because he vacations in a far-off and exotic place that may or may not even be part of America.

With so many people so out of touch, I can only hope that Hall & Oates are getting a cut every time someone uses the phrase.


So smooth. So smooth.

You are the Decider: Gimmickry Edition

Where better to stage political theater about unity than a place called Unity, N.H.?

Barack Obama and his vanquished competitor Hillary Clinton will share a stage today in Unity, where each drew 107 votes in January's democratic primary. Doesn't that seem like a long time ago?

I don't really have anything to add about the event. I just wanted to say every time I hear the name of the town, I can't help but think of Dave Chapelle's classic Rick James sketch, the one where Chapelle-as-James wears a unity ring.



Watch the video here.

Prescient sidenote: While I'm making fun of it now, I'll be longing for these simple days of Unity rallies when we're neck deep in a race-baiting, ageist campaign this October.

You are the Decider: Actually He's Still Deciding Things

It's time again for my occasional political series, You are the Decider. Please enjoy this trademarked graphic.

Today, I'm going to talk about the fella whose command of the language inspired the name of this series, Pres. George W. Bush.

I'm pleased to report his bizarre behavior around German Chancellor Angela Merkel continues. In Germany on his farewell tour of Europe (Every time I hear "farewell tour" I think of Bush as an aging rocker), the President made an important declaration to the assembled media:

For those in the German press who thought I didn't like asparagus, you're wrong. The German asparagus are fabulous.

That's right, people. Asparagus.

You may remember about two years ago when Bush gave Merkel an impromptu massage at a G8 summit in Russia. I'm not making this up. Check the tape.

You are the Decider: Then there were two

I'm bringing my occasional series chronicling the three-year battle for the presidency, You are the Decider, back for a second day in a row, but I won't use my "No Bull" graphic. If you really want to see it, scroll down a bit.

If last night's speeches are any indication, this will be a mismatch and a half. John McCain, surrounded by what seemed like 15 to 20 supporters, struggled to read his teleprompter. A few hours later, Barack Obama speaks before thousands in Saint Paul, Minn. -- the same spot as the Republicans summer convention. Here's last night's imagery.


While McCain's speech wasn't bad, his packaging needs a major overhaul. Might I recommend something less green.

You Are the Decider: Freakin' Decide Already

Today's the day when Montana and South Dakota are the deciders in the race for the democratic presidential nomination. Well, not really. That honor belongs to party insiders, not voters.

But that's not what you should decide today. I need you to decide whether a joke from Vice President Dick Cheney is funny. Speaking in Washington about how there are Cheneys on both sides of his family, he said "And we don't even live in West Virginia," before adding, "You can say those things when you're not running for re-election."

Not bad, I guess.

West Virginians weren't enthused. Sen. Robert Byrd, 90, is so upset he's hospitalized.

You are the Decider: VP Edition

Did you know that presumptive Republican presidential nominee John McCain's house in Arizona is known as Hidden Valley Ranch? Who knew he was a salad dressing magnate?

I read the name earlier this week when I saw that McCain is having some people over for the Memorial Day Weekend. It seems like he might be test driving some potential running mates -- including former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney.

It sure seems like Romney would bring McCain more baggage than benefit, especially given the open hostility that McCain and the other GOP presidential candidates showed to Romney in the winter campaign.

But what do I know. My vote stopped mattering after the February Massachusetts primary.

You are the Decider: Photo Op Edition

Apparently there's still an election going on, so I can fire up my long-dormant election series You are the Decider. Let me dust off my trademark graphic.

So what brings us back? It's this photo-op with the Democrats' near-nominee Barack Obama. He's trying to prove he's a regular guy by trying this behind-the-back shot at a West Virginia pool hall.

You see the way the cue ball is nudged up against the one with the burgandy stripe? He has no chance of making that shot. No chance.

But at least he looks good, unlike Massachusetts Gov. Deval Patrick in this ping pong photo-op yesterday.

You are the Decider: Philly Anthem Edition

Pennsylvania's presidential primary is a scant 20 days away, so it's time to revisit my occasional series chronicling the 2008 race for the White House, "You are the Decider."

Hit the graphic with the bulls that poop:


Alright so Hillary Clinton compared herself to Rocky at a campaign event in Philadelphia yesterday. She told a union audience that like the famous Sly Stallone character, she is not a quitter and said that she wouldn't suspend her campaign, just as Rocky didn't get halfway up those steps and call it a day.

I'm surprised she chose this analogy, given that Rocky lost. To a black guy.

I watch this Rocky video to get pumped before Wednesday night volleyball games in my advanced beginner-low intermediate league, where I play on a team called the Mini Ditkas.

Please enjoy.

You are the Decider: Robert Palmer Edition

On the suggestion of my only regular non-U.S. reader, I've been kicking around an occasional "Where are the now"-type series on the NaturalBlog. I was going to start with Robert Palmer, until Mrs. N-B wisely pointed out last night that he died four-and-a-half years ago.

So now you know where he is.

His music lives on, thankfully, in this spoof passed along by a big time newsman.


If you enjoyed that, be sure to watch the Making Of Barack Obama-sistible.

You are the Decider: Potential First Daughters

Chelsea Clinton, beware. There is a pretender to your throne as my favorite candidate for first daughter. My Chelsea love is as long-running as it is well-documented.

But could John McCain's 23-year-old daughter Meghan be a suitable alternative?

According to GQ, she's a fan of "The Big Lebowski" ("I f***ing love that movie!"), and the kitchen of her Phoenix loft is stocked with "some Bud Light cans, a six-pack of Stella Artois, and twelve cups of Jell-O pudding." (My money is on Jell-O shots, by the way.) She's even a blogger.

But most interesting is her succinct analysis of why voters never warmed to failed candidate Mitt Romney: "Mitt didn’t keep it real," she said.

No kidding. I think Romney's campaign would be a great entry in "When Keeping It Real Goes Wrong."

You are the Decider, Florida

As long as this presidential campaign continues to limp on, I will continue to chronicle it in this series You are the Decider. Cue the graphic of the pooping bulls.


You are entering the no bull zone.

People in Florida are voting today, but only the Republicans. It's a little unclear why it's just the GOP, but I think it has something to do with a secret plot by Katherine Harris (at right, with the only person who voted for her U.S. Senate campaign). That's just a guess really.

My former chief executive Mitt Romney was on the verge of trying something new in his campaign in Florida the other day: He almost told the truth.

Asked about a McCain claim that Romney supports a timetable for a troop pullout from Iraq, Romney said “Well, he's lying. he's dishonest. He's being dishonest in that regard."

He's lying? Does that make him a liar? Are you calling him a liar liar pants on fire, a reporter wondered.

“No, I'm not. He made a dishonest comment, I misspoke."

So he's dishonest, but not a liar? Are we holding this election in 1984?

You Are the Decider

There's a great Latin word "praeteritio," which means something to the effect of "In passing over this, I mention it." You've probably used it in arguments, when you say something like "I won't even mention the fact that ."

Republican Mike Huckabee (getting cleaned up at right) probably won't cop to being fluent in Latin, which is for the liberal effete (and Jesuits), but he's given a delightful example of praeteritio. Yesterday, he called a news conference to say how his campaign had produced a negative ad about Mitt Romney, but that he'd decided not to run the ad. Then he showed the ad.

Well played, sir. Do you think people see through this? Probably not.

Separated at Decider

It's another melding of my two signature series, Separated at Birth and You are the Decider. These were both passed along by readers.

Do you think the surging Mike Huckabee looks a little bit like Kevin Spacey? The Huck plays guitar, while Spacey sings, as he did in Darin. I say close enough to put it on my blog.


Why on earth does a guy taking as tough a line on immigration as Mitt Romney put a Che Guevera-inspired image on a t-shirt? What is going on here? Has the whole world gone mad? Yes.

You Are The Decider: More Chuck Norris

If you live in a place where your presidential vote doesn't matter -- so pretty much anywhere but Iowa, New Hampshire or Florida -- then you might not have seen that Chuck Norris has put his money where his mouth is.

He endorsed Republican Mike Huckabee a few weeks back, and now he's doing a Huckabee ad. Pretty funny. Maybe enough to turn the tide in Iowa.

You are the Separated at Birth

I had such a great time when my occasional political series You Are the Decider and my gimmicky Retro Week collided a few weeks back, so I'm please to try it again, this time with You Are the Decider and N-B's longest running gag Separated at Birth.

Behold.

Alan Keyes is my kind of presidential candidate, a long-shot kind of guy who tells it like it is. If Marvin the Martian were more loquacious, I imagine he'd be the same kind of straight talker.




And speaking of people who don't have a shot of winning the presidency, here's Dennis Kucinich and Gollum, a pairing passed along by my good friend Biff Tannen. I will say this, Kucinich's wife is hotter than Gollum's.



And finally, here are Ghostbusters II villian Vigo the Carpathian and right-wing white knight Fred Thompson. One of my anonymous commenters passed this on, and I have to say these two are dead ringers. If we do elect Thompson, hopefully he's a better ruler than Vigo was.

Did you notice that each of these candidates is paired with someone fictional? I wonder what that says about our political process.

You are the Decider: Alien Abduction Edition

It's time for the NaturalBlog's occasional political series You are the Decider. Hit the graphic:


Those are bulls pooping in the 0's, by the way.

I'm pretty pumped about this post because it involves two of my favorite things:

• Longshot democratic presidential candidate Dennis Kucinich
• UFOs

Well, to be honest, neither of those is one of my favorite things, but it does make for a pretty good blog post.

The democratic Man of La Mancha, who somehow ended up with a lithe and beautiful wife (right), admitted during this week's candidate debate that he saw an unidentified flying object, over Shirley MacLaine's house in Washington state. (Where else?)

"It was an unidentified flying object, OK," Kucinich said to moderator Tim Russert. "It's, like, it's unidentified. I saw something."

In a new book MacLaine writes that Kucinich heard directions in his brain, ostensibly from the beings aboard the UFO. Somehow, for some reason, Russert did not press Kucinich on what the directions were. We can only assume it was the aliens who planted the seed of Kucinich's idea to replace the Department of Defense with a Department of Peace.

You are the Decider; Sorry, Chuck Norris Decided for You

This may come as a disappointment to fans of my occasional series chronicling the 2008 presidential race, coyly named "You are the Decider." What's the bad news? Chuck Norris has weighed in, and I'm sure as heck not going to cross him. In fact, I've even changed my schmancy You are the Decider graphic. Take a gander:


Norris has decided to endorse my favorite evolution-denier in the race, Mike Huckabee.

I'd like it better if Chuck himself ran. He joked about it in an online column in June. His platform?

• Turn the Rose Garden into a new fighting ring for the World Combat League, in which liberals and conservatives will fight for legislative leadership and priority.
• Cut spending by dismissing the Secret Service, at least for my eight years in office. Why would I need them?
• Personally smoke out bin Laden by myself and round-house kick him all the way back to America.

Run, Chuck. Run.